The more often I allow myself to do/read/view the things I find interesting for no other purpose than to do it, the more often I find connections that I believe help lead down the path to living a fulfilled and wholehearted life.
It's almost like I'm being drawn to the things I need. Kinda like what Carl Rogers believed. (i.e. that every organism innately knows what they need).
For instance, I read saw a TEDx talk by a social worker named Brene Brown. She's a phenomenological researcher that studies what some consider the "master emotion": shame.
I found the talk interesting. A lot of it discussed vulnerability and how being vulnerable is the only way we can open up enough to truly allow love, caring, and belonging into our lives. However, fear and shame and the stories we tell ourselves often keep our most authentic selves hidden.
In many ways I feel that these concepts are vitally connected to my journey "into the dark side."
So while out on a date with my significant other at the book store (that we inevitably end up at when left to our own devices at 9pm), I picked up "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.
Initially I was reluctant to buy it. The subtitle was "Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Your guide to a wholehearted life."
And to be honest my brain immediately shouted, "LAAAAAAAAAAME!"
Then I read the back and it had the typical praises from other authors she knows AND who have the most influential resumes and it shouted, "STILL LAME!!"
I read her biography blurb... "UGH! Who cares?! This is all the same stuff and its not even the most impressive one!"
But I couldn't put it down.
I kept trying to convince myself that I didn't need the book and it very likely would end up in the same pile of self-help books I begin to read then discard after a boring chapter or two.
But I still didn't.
And I held on to it long enough that when it was time to go I handed it over to be purchased.
And the next morning I began reading.
Not a fan of her writing style....
She keeps using the same words....
That's a good quote... *grabs a pen*
Yea, I can see that. I agree...
Intro- "The Journey... It is a process... How do we cultivate what we need and let go of the things that are holding us back?"
"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
Infinite power is a little dramatic but yes... I agree.
I just find myself continuing to read and agreeing with more and more of her ideas.
Then I read and begin to understand and recognize more things I've thought of but that are written so clearly, like, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."
Now- Let me go on a tangent if I may-
This idea has been becoming more and more important to me as I work with a client who has been all but diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder.
Now.. if you are a mental health professional you understand how difficult it can be to work with one of these patients.
They can be extremely needy, manipulative,and volatile to say the least.
Finding compassion for them can be exceedingly difficult- which also happens to be what they need most in the world. BUT when you find compassion and offer it to them, they become frightened and shove it back in your face, which makes it that much more difficult to find it the next time, etc. etc.
Nothing is ever enough for a Borderline. They can seem like a black hole that will never be filled no matter how much love and care you pour into them.
Draining.
Highly provocative.
They notoriously have both severe boundaries for themselves and yet challenge the boundaries of others constantly.
They draw you in, then spit you out.
It's an endless, exhaustive cycle.
*In case you can't read it, the front of the shirt says "Ask me about Borderline Personality Disorder."
However, in the next paragraph of Brown's book she writes that in her quest to understand compassion she's learned that "Compassionate people are boundaried people."
"The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."
DING DING DING DING!!
This is why I don't feel drained by my Borderline patient! At first I thought I was just being sucked in hardcore because I wasn't losing compassion for the kid. If anything I was feeling more compassion for him because of how fragile his ego is and how I keep witnessing the drained responses of my co-workers just keep getting them pulled deeper and deeper into the spiral suck of the black hole. However, I am CONSTANTLY reinforcing boundaries with this kid- but not in a demeaning way. Just with certainty they he will keep doing what Borderlines do and I can have an endless store of compassion as long as I maintain my own safe boundaries. The kid might actually begin to feel some kind of safety when they see I'm still not swayed regardless of the stunts being pulled (because they WILL be pulled). Allegations against staff will likely be the next trick to keep people from getting too close but even if they're against me, I have nothing to hide.
But, going back to what I was saying about compassion-
Problem- My clients are not listening or respecting me?
Problem- Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group?
Problem- Total lack of compassion, I'm pissed! Fuck them! What the hell is their problem? I'm working my ass off to try to help these kids and I feel completely unsupported and drained!
Okay well... are you holding them accountable? Do they know what you expect of them and do they know the consequences of their actions? Yes? Are you enforcing the consequences?
My clients are not listening or respecting me? Hold them accountable for their actions by sticking to the group rules- three strikes, you're out. No big deal, just try again next week. Reinforce that it is only their behaviors that are unacceptable and not THEM as a person.
Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group? Talk to them- tell them you're having a hard time and let them know ways they can help you. They're trying to help the kids out too right? Get them on your team. If they STILL don't, that's another matter.
Brown's point? What is one of the biggest reasons why we don't just hold others accountable in the first place?
We're afraid of seeming out of control and/or admit that we need help?
Why?
Because that may mean we don't know what we're doing, and if people think we're frauds, they will shun us.
And being shunned by others reaffirms shame (that everyone feels) about being unworthy of other people's respect, love and acceptance.
And if we believe we are undeserving of love and respect than we may accept their lack thereof and poor treatment as par for the course... "just one more example of why I suck."
Essentially we allow them to step on us because in the deepest parts of our hearts- we think we deserve it.
It's not a new concept- but like I mentioned at the beginning of this post...
I think this might have been what I needed to hear at this point in time.
Essentially, I became aware of it because it's what I need to move forward right now with this journey.
I haven't thought too much about "shame" and the things I fear. According to Brown the more you talk about it, the less of a hold it has over you. The more honest and authentic you are about facing it, the more you can connect with others and feel more of a sense of belonging.
I've found this to be true in the past.
Being afraid of the repercussions, but hearing my voice shake as I say what I believe to be true and my authentic self has always been the best way through the fear.
I inevitably feel validated, secure and confident in my decision to plow through.
Which gives me more courage to speak up the next time.
SO.... all of this basically boils down to one thing.
This feels good... and right... so I think I'll keep going down this path for a while...
And see where it leads.
Glad I didn't listen to the LAME voice!
