Swim this Shui

When I envision going into the "depths," the imagery that pops up is the ocean floor.
Thanks to a documentary I saw recently, I can envision this more completely.

If you've never seen much of the ocean floor, you are much like everyone on the planet because even the few who have been to the abyssal plain will agree that they too, have not seen much of the ocean floor. And that's not because the sun's light does not penetrate that far. Apparently less than 1% of the ocean floor has been explored- less than the surface of the moon...

The array of creatures found there are astounding. And even more interesting are the ecosystems that develop from deep sea vents. Bacteria growing as a result of a periodic elements seeping from a vent, feeding small creatures like crabs and giant tube worms.

Kielbasa anyone?
And you know Star Wars had to make an appearance...

Apparently this is the Yoda purpurata and it is a new species of deep-sea acorn worm in the deep Atlantic. It's got the wrinkles on its head and EVERYTHING! Swimming with the force it is... The DARK SIDE!! And its totally coincidental that Yoda's background is white and the worm's is black...

ANYWAY... this isn't the only thing that's rocked my world lately.

As I've mentioned previously, I will be moving soon. Still in the same city, but to a different location. As it happens, in the same building.
However, in the search for floor plans and ways in which to maximize the space in my new home, I stumbled upon the ancient art of "Feng Shui."

Now, I've been mildly interested by this concept before but never researched it and because I had nothing better to do, I decided now was as good of a time as ever.
What I found was essentially a formula for organizing household objects to maximize "Chi."

According to a random online dictionary Chi is "The vital force believed in Taoism and other Chinese thought to be inherent in all things."

Now... I could be wrong but that sounds EXTRAORDINARILY LIKE THE FORCE, am I right?

Mini Twilight Zone episode in my head...

.....

But all that aside... the idea of manipulating your environment to induce a sense of calm and purpose is something I believe in and think can ultimately be helpful in terms of paring down visual and mental distractions. Now whether or not I will be facing my bed due North... we shall see. Like I said, the concept is interesting and my apartment is DEFINITELY in need of a good clean out.

One of the first things any practical guide will tell you is the purge your house of clutter and things you don't need or will not be using soon. This is much much easier said than done. My significant other and I both were born to young, poor parents who didn't have a whole lot of option as to what to fill their homes with. If it was cheap and it worked (and sometimes if it was broken, yea you know.. whatever) it was good enough.
SO pretty much by default, we surround ourselves with things we get from garage sales, hand me down furniture, thrift store clothes, etc.

Do we need these things? No, of course not! We just like them so we keep them... and keep keeping them... You get the picture. 

So Feng Shui also tends to get fairly symbolic in its reasoning. It maintains that areas of your home that are congested with items or junk indicate areas of your life that are stagnant or are in need of work.
I.e. If you have stacks of magazines, clothes and cobwebs in your bedroom- your love life may be suffering.
The Chi needs to be able to work people. It needs some space to roam! 
How can you have any babies if you don't meet your Chi?

(HAHAHA! See what I did there... Pink Floyd THE WALL reference, which ALSO has a double meaning because I'm talking about things that BLOCK Chi!! HAHAHAHAHAHahah..ha.... Sigh... It's still awesome.)

So needless to say we might give it a try. The question that keeps popping up in my head is "Why not?"
The worst that can happen is we have a neater house... cleaner closets and things we care about actually have a place where they belong...
And perhaps a ridiculous store credit we plan to rack up once we've traded in boxes and boxes of books from forgotten dusty crevices (because that's exactly where they're coming from, I shit you not).
And since more credit at a book store is exactly what we DO NOT need, maybe our nieces and nephews can use it when they want a science or story book as a reward... or to keep them quiet for 20 minutes...

So yea, I'm done.
I've tried to make a solid logical connection between the deep sea and Feng Shui and all I got is the idea of "new" ecosystems (on the ocean floor and for my apartment) as a result of searching the depths.
And according to Feng Shui, black and blue are the colors that represent Water. And I originally thought that was pretty stupid (I can understand the blue, but BLACK?) until I thought about it... The reflection of the sky on the water and the penetration of the sun's rays are only meaningful within the first 200 meters...and it's a big ass... deep ass ocean...

So black representing water doesn't quite seem so stupid anymore...

Now... my couch creating a "poison arrow" because it's a sectional?
I might just have to live with it for now...

Death, rice juice and sith-suits.

For the past 7 months one person I have known has died.
Not all of them were close, but all close enough to affect me. All but one were men.

1) December- A friend I used to work with, 2 years my senior from sudden cancer.
2) January- My uncle from a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
3) February- A father of a friend in my program.
4) March- Another father of a friend in my program and co-worker.
5) April- A young close friend from breast cancer, who left my dear friend a widower with a 3 year old daughter.
6) May- The young husband of a friend and fellow therapist.
7) June- An uncle removed by divorce of a massive heart attack in prison.

Some knew the end was coming.
Some lives were celebrated.
Its sad to say but I don't know if my former uncle's will. 
My cousins are grieving, as well as my aunt. Despite everything he put them through.
And it's strange the kind of emotions you can have associated with one person. The memories they stir.


      I remember my brother and I were left with my aunt and uncle in the backwoods of Alabama for a few days. My parents met in a small town in Mississippi but my aunt moved away when she got married and raised her family just across the border. She lived in a small cottage down a long dirt road that wound through corn fields. At the end of the road was a large white farm house. It was supposed to be a white house but weather and dirt turned it to a musty gray. The most vibrant memory I have was looking at it from a distance when my cousins and I used to play. It reminded me of a haunted old mansion on television and it was cool as hell. My cousins always said their grandma lived there, but never said much else other than we couldn't play in the field. And they were VERY serious when they told us not to play in the field.

   
     This particular summer my cousins, brother and I were taken to the house because my (now deceased) uncle needed to help his mother with something. I vaguely remember meeting the old woman and I don't think she paid much attention to us (or maybe I didn't pay much attention). I'm pretty sure there were holes in the floors from where the wood had rotted away. The farm house itself didn't have any air conditioning, which I remember thinking was crazy but we all sat around the living and dining room in front of the fans to keep cool. The adults drank beer and talked. We all played card games, made fun of each other, reminisced, told jokes, laughed. It was relaxing. Especially after the sun started to set and the crickets and fireflies came out. 
 
     I never witnessed the violence. Although he did drink a lot and was angry a lot and there were several times where he yelled at my aunt and cousins. I vaguely remember my cousins being punished in front of me. It was a little shocking, and a little unnecessary, but my cousins assured me it wasn't bad because we were there. One of the last times was when my aunt began crying to my mother about how she was being treated. They were forming a plan to get her out and get her a divorce. She meant it this time.
     I only saw him once after that. His mother had died and left he and my cousins with a large inheritance. They bought a giant house on a huge plot of land. He seemed happy. Jovial even. Bantering back and forth with my mom. The place didn't have much furniture but they were proud of it. They eventually ended up selling because funds got low (or what I heard). The last thing I heard was he had been thrown in jail for making meth in a bathtub. He said he would die in jail. And he did.


Obviously my context is very different from someone closer to him, although I'm not sure many people were. He was a troubled man. I have to believe that of someone who drank to excess, beat defenseless women and children and abused enough drugs to kill a horse on a regular basis. He was running from something, or didn't know any different- which I don't buy. But, he did show kindness. He laughed a lot and sometimes reminded me of a young Santa Claus with his red cheeks and shaking stomach. He was a human, flawed as we all are. And I'm reminded of that most when considering everything he put my extended family through and they are still grieving him. There was something worth grieving for.

Yoda says "Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force." 

However, that's a simple concept to convey that is the culmination of a long and painstaking process.
It's like trying to feed those starving children in Africa a burger when all they can digest is rice. 
But can you imagine them saying "Um, I'm sorry, but that's too complicated to digest. Can I get some rice juice please? Thanks"?

 Okay guys, Vader, Sidious, group will start in 15 minutes... You might want to change out of your Sith-suits because we're using paint. It's acrylic so if it gets on your clothes and dries it'll be murder on the droids.

A Jedi with Markers

Case: A large muscular 18 year old with a stare like ice argues with me for 10 minutes because I gave the group a choice for what to do and the rest of the group chose the one he didn't want... But that wasn't all. 
He continues to argue after I tell him he couldn't do the task by himself because it would defeat the purpose of working as a group and I couldn't be in two places at once to give instruction.
So after he continues to mumble and I can no longer make out the bullshit, he refuses group and sulks on the couch for the entire session.

(I might also mention that I gave a small set of the materials he wanted to work with to the cottage for the boys to use whenever they wanted...And he knew this...).

So after group I spent 10 minutes trying to convince this kid to talk to me and finally do after basically threatening to take a week's worth of day trips away from him. 

During our conversation he stated several things- but what I could make out of his mumblings was:
1) I had convinced his peers to choose the other task
2) I patronized him because I gave him a shitty reason why he couldn't work alone
3) I wanted to piss him off on purpose because I had the power to and I get off on it.

So after we trudged through all of that he finally admitted that maybe it wasn't me after all! Maybe it was his perception and he got so mad because he has a default setting that tells him everyone in the world is out to screw  him over.

DING DING DING! What has he won Johnny!?!

Now for some background:
This kid has been abandoned and mistreated by adults/authority figures all his life and is essentially alone in the world. He actually has a case open in the state because he had CHOKE MARKS on his neck after an incident with staff... Meanwhile, there is NO restraint permissible in the organization that could possibly result in CHOKE MARKS on ANY CHILD'S NECK. Needless to say he's got plenty of reasons to mistrust adults- despite whether the staff in this instance believed the kid needed to be restrained (which is only when they are in danger of injuring themselves or others).


However, as I'm talking to this kid I'm thinking,
"Seriously dude... Was the lighting a factor too? That lamp is pretty dim... maybe they couldn't see their options clearly... What time is it? 20 minutes really?! FUCK! Wait, he's crying! YESSSS! I've got him!!"

Now... despite my inner thoughts this kid obviously has some issues AND with good reason. And, as mortifying as it can be to admit, I see a lot of my narcissistic self in his sulky responses. I'd like to think I'm slightly more mature but I'm mostly being VERY kind and giving myself the benefit of the doubt because a 30 year old probably SHOULD be more mature.

So why the completely apathetic monologue in my head? His attitude? The time I had to take? Not really. I just have this conversation with myself all too frequently... The only good news is that I've grown up enough to have this conversation with myself instead of relying on someone else to coax me through a faulty rationale. Which thankfully saves SOME embarrassment though not all.

CUT!
The Empire Strikes Back. Luke is being trained and he's drawn to a cave where he has a vision that he's fighting Vader, but is actually himself.

Luke: There's something not right. I feel cold. Death...
Yoda: That place, is strong with the dark side of the force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.
Luke: What's in there?
Yoda: Only what you take with you. Your weapons, you will not need them.

 Your worst enemy is yourself right?

... Maybe.

I'll let everyone in on a little secret that only Tom Cruise knows about...

Therapy, despite its best intentions, is mind manipulation.


SURE they can deny it all they want and dress it up in fancy words but any therapist that tells you otherwise is lying to you and themselves.
My job is to alter the brains of people whose minds have been shaped in a different way and/or who have learned behaviors that are unacceptable to our society.
And specifically- as an art therapist, my job is to MANIPULATE YOUR MIND, most of the time without you even realizing it. I don't even start off with WORDS!!
I give you innocent looking crayons and markers and ask you to do things like draw a picture of someone picking an apple from a tree.
What kind of mind fuck shit is THAT?!?
....


Yea... Who's a Jedi now?

So not only do I mess with your mind, but MY MIND is very likely messed up in the same way!! HURRAY!!

However, the catch 22 is how could someone truly understand and empathize unless they have faced the same beasts?
It would be like Yoda training Luke without being a Jedi to begin with.
How can you understand a language you cannot speak?

 Let's Chewie on that, shall we?

Worldly Surprises

Damn, there are people that actually READ this!

Hats off to you my friends!!

I don't know who any of you are and that's kinda great because then I can just keep imagining you're all the heads of states of your countries and there's hope for taking over celebrity-ville and do as much ashing as our little hearts desire!

BRAVO! ENCORE! ENCORE!

Extra Ex-press-ioned

Is it true we all want the things we can't have?
Elusive elements of our lives that never seem to be satisfied?
I hear that somewhere out there in the world there are people who are completely satisfied and I think to myself "How the hell can they DO that? Like... what's the catch?"

From what I hear it's all about attitude, your perspective, the way you approach the question to begin with...
What is there to be dissatisfied with? The world is the world, accept it and you will be free of the chains of discontent!

The polarities of content/discontent or satisfaction/dissatisfaction all lead me to the idea of expectation...

When I was a kid my father always used to tell me that "you hope for the best and plan for the worst." And he followed what he preached, to this day he still does that as often as he can.
However, I found that way of approaching life to be fairly cynical.
It's almost at odds with the idea that if you think positively, good things will happen.
If you're focused on the potentially negative aspects of every situation, is there room for the positive in your head? Or are you just pleasantly surprised and therefore unprepared for when those good things occur but happy about it so it doesn't seem as much work? And if you DO recognize that it's just as much work dealing with the happy surprising event, does it lose some of it's happy value?
What about taking either as they come... then dealing with the situation? I know that's an approach I'd LIKE to use more often as it frees up a lot of mental energy. 
... you know... the time and effort that goes into "OH MY GOD, I hope that doesn't happen! Well what if it did? What would I do?" and I'll just stop there because it gives me hives....
Also... there's the idea that if you are looking for the shit to hit the fan, you'll think you see it- even if the shit is still out there in the lawn. Where that cute little Great Dane "Lucky" left it.

What I'm getting at is this expectation piece.
The work I do with the kids is highly influenced by the expectations I place on them.
Many of them (including myself and other adults) can become very uncomfortable if expectations for what we are supposed to do are not clearly defined. In my field we call this "structure" and "boundaries." Within that space there is a freedom of expression and the kids can feel comfortable that their efforts are meeting my (the evaluator or authority's) expectations.
Now- the problem arises when the kids are not meeting my expectations, most likely because they can't.
But I digress.

If I said I didn't have any expectations for this blog and journey that would be a flat out lie.
But what do I expect from this?
To hopefully have gained some insight about how I work, who I am, what kind of stuff I'm made of...
To gain infinite power and celebrity stardom. Get on the cover of TIME and flick cigarette ash on carpets.

Eh, maybe Steve wouldn't have ashed. I don't know if he smoked. But if he did I'm sure he woulda thought about it because it's dead cool and what says "I'm totally apathetic and therefore you should idolize me" like ashing on carpets? Exactly...

You know, I think I'll just accept that it's going to be whatever the hell it's going to be.
However, these little excerpts of a storyline have been confusing me lately.
I keep thinking... should I start a novel? I got some good ideas, why not? So I Google writing a novel- and instantly get sick by how many novel writers WRITE about how to write a novel. Jus kinna makes me nauseous...

And I can't help but get the feeling that "acceptance" is pretty much the key to life...
Just putting that out there.

In a way this blog thing is just another piece of structure I'm using as a vehicle for expression- (just like my kids) so express I shall!

The company's name is Federal Express... Wouldn't this be redundant? Extra Express?
As long as we accept it, right?

Historical Inspiration

According to my father we are descendants of Daniel Boone. He was known as an explorer of the western frontier, when the west was considered "Kentucky." I find myself inspired by the idea that I may still have some of that spirit.

"I wouldn't give a tinker's damn for a man who isn't sometimes afraid. Fear's the spice that makes it interesting to go ahead." - Daniel Boone.

One thing that's known about him was his disregard for financial matters. Perhaps I can learn from this? He ended up moving several times and lived his later life as a hunter. Which... all sound pretty familiar as to my back up plans for later life- living off my skill in whatever the heck I can because I get the feeling retired life ain't all its promised to be. That and this killer brow line... Yea baby.

Perhaps these parallels can be incorporated into my journey/story?

Additional interesting sentiments:

"Felicity, the companion of content, is rather found in our own breasts than in the enjoyment of external things; and I firmly believe it requires but a little philosophy to make a man happy in whatever state he is." 

"Curiosity is natural to the soul of man and interesting objects have a powerful influence on our affections."
"I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks."

A simple man, happy while in danger and in the wilderness... captured by Indians, bad with money and robbed because he didn't pay his debts, enraptured by nature... I can do something with this...

__________________________________________________________________________________________

     Terin woke to blackness. Where am I? There were no sounds. He tried raising his head and gingerly set it back down. The right side of his head pounded, instantly making him dizzy. Opening his eyes, he tried to focus. Stars twinkling above him. He was laying spread eagle on stone. Reaching to the side Terin felt the cold metal of his water tin, then the soft leather of his pack.
     He grabbed the tin and gently set himself to his elbows to take a drink. Why does my head hurt so bad? The last thing he remembered was seeing the hairy figure puffing on a cigarette. Footsteps, shouting, then nothing. Terin looked up again. His vision had adapted. Those weren't stars, he was still in the cave. In the same place he'd been sitting, only all traces of his companion were gone. All except for a neat line of ash that laid next to the boulder across from him. It didn't finish the cigarette...
     Slowly Terin sat up and pulled the pack closer looking for his food. Tarp, blanket, tin, rope, knife, pot, clothes... no purse. Where did the purse go? "DAMN it" he said loud enough to hear the echo bounce from the ceiling. The token his best friend had given him was in that bag, along with his sister's luck charm. * Why didn't I just keep them on me like she said? He checked the rest of his supplies and those were the only things missing. Whoever or whatever had taken them was no where to be seen. He snatched up his bread and instantly regretted taking a hasty bite. His head ached more with every movement of his jaw. At the same time it also occurred to him how bone cold it was. Notes of twilight were still visible from the open doorway. If he hurried he might be able to find wood for a fire before it got dark.
     He picked himself up from the floor. Should I stay in the cave? He hadn't known what hit him but he'd bet money, all the money in his damn purse, it had been that hairy bastard. Still, what if it wasn't? his conscience prodded. He glanced around the cave again. Boulders still hid much of the back wall from his view but he could make out what looked like a passage to the left he'd missed before. Terin held his head as the pounding got worse from straining to focus. Better to stick with the beast you know rather than take your chances with one you don't. It would be another night in the forest before he tackled the cave again. Maybe a night's rest or two would help his head. He could gather more food and keep a look out for anything unusual before going back in.
     Gathering his belongings, Terin made for the door. That's strange. The light from the door seemed to  fade before his eyes into darkness. It was unnatural for night to fall so quickly. Rushing he surged forward, searching the tops of the treeline outside. The sky was dark, stars sparkled above. He blinked. Not stars. He blinked again as recognition dawned on his face. He'd reached the doorway and had walked through. Only he was standing in the same cavern room he'd just stepped out of. He turned. The door sat on its hinges as it had before, gilt and everything. Just the same. Beyond it was a dark passageway... similar to the one he'd seen while searching around the boulders. Impossible. But here it was. He was standing in the same cavern he'd attempted to leave. Only this time there was no door at the far end giving a glimpse of a forest beyond.
     Terin stood for moment, eyes blurring from pain. He was tired. So tired. He'd just mistaken the doorway for the passageway. He'd just got mixed up, because of his head. The door must have closed. He'd find it after he rested. That was most important... Falling into a nearby boulder Terin crumpled in a heap against it. Just need some rest. He pulled out the blanket and slowly wrapped himself in it as tightly as possible and positioned the pack as a pillow. Before he closed his eyes he remembered being thankful the left side of his face wasn't hurt as it lowered to the pack.

Size and force

I didn't forget about my journey, I'm just on a different one for the moment- vacation.
Will be back on Tuesday!

Before we left I consulted my Yoda about our short trip and he wisely said-

"Size matters not, for my ally is the force. You must feel for force around you."

And that's definitely what we're doing.

The force meaning... sun? Yea that's it!!

Secondly

     The wind stirred in the trees behind him, bringing reality with it. He could hear elms and oaks rustling and swaying calmly as he pondered what he'd seen. He squinted. It looked the same. Didn't it? In many ways it looked... cleaner. He could have sworn the vines were on the door before him rather than just around its frame... And he knew he'd been looking at a shack before, right? He glanced around, then back at the structure. A cave stood before him, door hanging open. Had he just imagined a shack? Perhaps the vines made it appear as though it were?
     This wouldn't have been the first time sights and certainties had changed around  him. The pathway, the birds, and now the vines on the shack.. or cave.  I just have to stay on guard. Terin took a breath and released it slowly.
     If something had changed, it was disconcerting though not enough to stop him from going into the depths of... whatever this was. The closer he looked the more certain he became that there was something inside. Something significant, pulling at him. He felt it like an unsettled pool of water in his chest, resonating. Or was it more like restlessness? Either way, he knew this was where he was supposed to be. The quivering urge told him what he sought was through that door.
     Before he could think about stepping forward he had breached the entryway and noticed gilded metalwork he hadn't before. Had it always been there or was that something that changed too? Still curious he peered into the cave.
     A pale blue light shown in the back of a large expanse of a room. High stone ceilings  and walls glittered with reflective minerals. It looked like the light came from a small oil lamp at the far end of the cave, partially obscured by large man sized boulders. A shift of shadow and crackling noises came from behind a boulder. 
     Terin took a step back, "Hello...?" If something didn't want him there it was best to know now. He could make it to the door in a few seconds. Sooner if he ran.
     "Have a seat an' be done wit it already. How long you been standin out there, eh? Since lass week? HAH." A few moments passed and Terin stood stock still. The shadows shifted again. Beady eyes surrounded by dark hair peered around a boulder. They scanned him up and down appraising. "Wha, you jus wanna stand there then? Fine." The head darted back behind the boulder. The crackling noises continued. 
     "I'm Terin. Who are you?" he said, purposefully trying not to swallow.
     "Look boy, I ain't had a proper smoke all day so git your tiny fingers over here an help. Then we'll talk about names."
     Terin slowly walked toward the boulders. It was cool inside the cave. The ceiling made it seem like the dead of night despite the sun from the doorway. Several boulders were scattered throughout the cave but as he walked nearer he noticed many of them along the back wall where he was headed. They formed almost a complete circle with a narrow pathway facing the cave's entrance. He gingerly approached the gap where the saw the hairy head appear. Several multicolored blankets lay spread on the floor in the small alcove. A pillow or two sat arranged around the lamp and the figure. A large sack leaned against a boulder beside it. The hairy figure sat hunched by the light, intently twiddling with something in its hands. Its entire body was covered in thick dark hair except for a smaller sack slung around its shoulder. It looked up expectantly. Terin froze.
     "Hurry up before I decide to smoke you instead!" it said with impatience, holding out its hands. That was a touch more sincerity than Terin wanted to hear. He scampered up and knelt down by the lamp, across from the figure.  He immediately felt calmed by the blankets and light. It was amazing what a flame could do for the spirit. 
     The figure handed over a small white papers and a fistful of shredded leaves. His father used to smoke tobacco. With another minute and careful preparation Terin handed back a cigarette and the figure's beaded eyes glistened with appreciation. It produced a match from inside the small pouch and lit one end, the other perched in its mouth. It sighed heavily after the first drag.
      "Thank the god, boy. I knew those small fingers could do it."

Limitations of exploration

So I was searching through the garbage heap that is my desk and ran across some old notes from 2011, when I first started working for my organization.
The client was my first individual and had a hard time in verbal sessions, which is why I took him on. That and he had red hair. And red hair is dead cool.

I loved working with this kid. He was sulky, sarcastic, and much more in tune with the use of symbols than he knew. He was just awesome and reminded me a lot of my brother- which obviously raises a red flag in my profession. It's just something we have to be aware of and watch out for so we don't begin treating our clients like the people in our lives.

But regardless, it reminded me of a piece of artwork I did in response to my responses to him (it's called countertransference... come on guys, everybody knows that!). I have a journal that I use in such cases (and for cases when I just feel like making shit). 

(The small birdlike image to the left of the yellow bird is a reminder of the client who this is about. He used the image in a piece once.)
When she saw this, my supervisor made a comment wondering whether the bird was shitting on the kid. And you know, it probably is. And the kid is accepting it because really- what the fuck else is the kid gonna do?
But that's beside the point.

The real point is that from the time of the bird shitting on the kid image, the journal began to very clearly depict deeply personal and meaningful artwork- then abruptly stops. After the meaningful pictures there are always a few pages of "pretty," "love" and "PEACE" and "Oh look how wonderful and beautiful the world is" (which makes me want to gag myself sometimes) and a marked emphasis on things I can do to make myself feel better or Grounding imagery.
*I should also mention that it wasn't created in a linear fashion. Some days I would skip several pages, then go back, rework or skip ahead more- working on whatever. So to be able to look through the pages and see this kind of pattern is interesting (at least to me).
For example: The pages below mark feelings of being overwhelmed by stress that were made worse by over-analysis. I was basically confusing myself here.

On the following page- the feet of the female image before are placed on a rug, i.e. grounding imagery- helping to reestablish some calm.

This happens over and over throughout the journal. I believe this pattern (of delving down into "shadow" and becoming overwhelmed) to be a necessary aspect of the journey. It serves as a reminder of reality. To accept our limitations as humans and that despite the kind of work we want to do to heal ourselves (which we are sometimes impatient for), we can only go so far before we need to breathe and rest and relax. I used to get extremely upset with myself when this would happen- when I'd break down. But after a while I realized there was no use in getting upset because it's a natural process- a resting place before beginning again. When I accepted that- this whole "delving into the shadow" became much more manageable. At least it has so far. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

And these kind of things shouldn't be a surprise right? I tell my kids to do this all the time! I help them make things to calm themselves and we call them "coping skill boxes" (how's that for creativity...).
However...
It is a very very different process to go through personally. It's like I had to train my brain (am still training my brain). There's a difference between knowing what to do and ACTUALLY KNOWING what to do and HOW to do it. I still need reminding.

I don't think I could continue this blog without understanding this starting and stopping process. Understanding that there will be times of deep confusion and trusting that I can rest when I need to- and after I've rested still having faith that the process will bring me back to where I need to be to continue on the path of self understanding (if THAT makes any sense!).

This blog is just a continuation of the journal- with less imagery and more words.

So here's a recap! In case none of that made any sense (because this probably won't either!!) I start with the kids. I consider their reactions to me. I observe and think about reactions to them. I ponder them. Explore them. Seek out some kind of understanding about how my reactions were influenced by my life and decide whether or not those parts are still serving me and helping me grow into the person I hope to become... If not, I try to sort it out, try to do better.
That's the entire career of a therapist in a paragraph... 

I wonder if the process I just wrote could be likened to me "learning the rules" of the Dark-Side from the Hero's Journey diagram??

WHATEVER, I'm gonna go eat some ice cream! THAT'S what matters right now!!

Culture begats culture?

Culture.  What is it exactly?

There are quite a few definitions- some more confusing than I'd like to admit. So I'll tread carefully.

The features of a person's everyday life. A shared set of attitudes. An familiarity with the humanities and arts.

Then that's good news because I suppose I have some kind of culture then. The only problem I see is that it may not be one I like.

My significant other and I explored the suburbs yesterday, in the hopes of finding a new place to live. We are not the biggest fans of city living although we thought it might be best to at least experience it before we opted against it permanently.
But as we drove around, our moods became more somber. Did we really want to move there? Strip malls... traffic on all the main roads (because it was a weekend and practically EVERYONE works a 9-5)... It was a lot like the life we lived when we first met- only our parents had made the decision. Do we want to make the same one?
The argument against it was culture. We'd be leaving a community that was rich in it.
No, we don't necessarily submit to all of its teachings, but there are some we do.
We took a walk last night to a local park. In it were families playing, a drum circle, a game of catch, and a bum wishing us a pleasant rest of the weekend (WTF, am I right?!). We walked by one of several pianos placed in it to inspire people walking by to play.... Those surprises often make me feel like I am an active part of a community without even trying. Without lifting a finger, just being there. It leaves me unsure as to whether I'd want to give it up.

Diversity has always been a subject we agreed on. We like it, in moderation. Too much of it can drown you, but not enough can make you feel like just another sheep.
The difficulty is taking this into consideration as introverts, which both of us are. 
The decision we must make is a simple one.

However, the Philoso-Raptor doesn't give me an answer.
Yoda... help me!

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose."

Damn... that was seriously the first one I found...

Think on this I must.

Do my values align with those of the good folks of suburbia? Or have they been reshaped by those of the city dwellers? We used to say the city grew on us like a fungus. We didn't like it at first but then you begin to appreciate it in all its flaws. That and the air literally feels like something may be growing on you....

Yum.

What kind of culture was I talking about?
Oh yea!! The practice of growing a living material... that MUST have been it.

Analysis of the void

It's taken a long time to begin to understand some important parts about who I am.
One way I've been able to do that has been through the gathering and analyzing of information about my family and how we've functioned through the years.
What choices were made during critical times of life that swayed the pendulum this way and that?

In doing some searching it has come to my attention that several family members have experienced sexual abuse from other trusted family members. Although this in and of itself is incredibly saddening and confusing, my perspective of it has been altered through my work with child sex offenders.
And in this work, one of the things that strikes me the most is how much of an influence neglect has on this issue.

In looking for the definition of neglect I ran into something interesting. Apparently there are several different types.

Neglect: 1) To give little attention or respect to: disregard. 2) to leave undone or unattended to especially through carelessness.

Benign neglect: An attitude or policy of ignoring an often delicate or undesirable situation that one is held to be responsible for dealing with. (Oh my supervisor is SOOOOOOOOOO good at this).

Excusable neglect: A legitimate excuse for the failure of a party or his or her lawyer to take required action on time. (No comment required, it speaks for itself).

So these definitions imply that there is a range or spectrum.
I certainly feel that there were plenty of times where I was neglected as a child: some for better, some for worse.
Many parents are being criticized these days for being too overbearing in fact. Not neglectful enough. Not allowing their kids to explore and learn, which can become another issue altogether. You can smother a fire by giving it too much wood.

But I believe there are several different levels and layers of neglect to 1) result in an act of sexual assault, especially on a child to begin with 2) for it to happen again to the same person and 3) allow the cycle to continue with a new victim.

And I know judgment usually goes hand and hand with this topic, but I honestly believe that people make their own choices. They make them for their own reasons that I know nothing about. They have to live with them. However I'm also a believer in something Maya Angelou said:
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

Overall, there is security in the idea that I am making decisions to "do better" despite the rampant abuse. I'm not saying I wasn't harmed by it because I was, just in a different way. I was trained to be aware, vigilant. But I obviously prefer the latter to the former.

It's a fine line. Parenting. Living. Sometimes it seems like it's all a fine line really... ?
Fine lines crossing to make... a web? The web of life...

That's fucking deep.

A change in... Balance

Reminders are everywhere.
The difference is that you have to be looking. Paying attention.
What you think you see is all that's going to matter in the end.

I've been focusing on the idea of perspective, as a theme for sessions with a group of girls.
My counterpart has been focusing on balance, as a theme for her group of girls.

Perspective of the whole. Balance for the whole.
You cannot have balance without the perspective of the whole.
The good as well as bad.

Maybe what really matters is the balance. The in-between. That fine line.
Came across this while searching balance, and we use it sometimes with the kids.
It's a way to visualize the different areas of your life and your satisfaction with them or notice which are lacking (if you didn't already know).
The areas content can be changed to be whatever you'd like them to be, but the core- physical, mental and emotional are basically the same.

However, it also points out areas of satisfaction you may not have known you have.
For instance I did one and realized I was equally balanced in a number of areas as a whole, which made me feel relatively successful.
The areas that were lacking were the ones I knew well.
I had plans for them of course... ones that never came to fruition.... but perhaps they should.

And it should be mentioned that each area has its own weight. And what I mean is that I viewed each area separately. I judged them by my satisfaction with my plan for each. For example, Personal/Spiritual Development was considered higher because I have been actively pursuing a goal (da blog). Health and Self Care was higher because I have been making better choices regarding diet and exercise (and when I say exercise I mean... walking...). Physical Environment (Home/Office) was higher but only because I will be moving to the suburbs soon and there have been decorating improvements as of late. But you get what I mean! Each should have their own set of standards.
However- each is also subject to your perspective...
I'm in a relatively even mood today.
Catch me on a pissy day and the balance would be drastically skewed- which would probably still be reflective of the balance... (Ugh, okay I'm getting a headache). Health goes down a notch.


A supervisor of mine once told me a story that helped to change the way I viewed the work I do that I think will forever change my perspective.

A person she knew went over to an African country that was full of starved children and families. She walked through a village of hungry people and was taken to a building that was just erected with some funds that have been used to help the community. Inside she was taken to a room with a large buffet, laid out for her and the group she was with. Needless to say she was appalled. When her translator noticed her reaction he told her that none of the food in the room could be given to the community because it would kill them.
Because the people had been so malnourished for so long, they no longer had the ability to process complex food and slowly had to be nourished with things like rice and water. They could not physically eat the same food.
My supervisor likened this to the emotional capabilities of the children I serve. They have been starved of love, affection and intimacy all their lives that they are malnourished and cannot metabolize or understand the kind of complex caring we can provide for them- that we try to provide them with. Therefore, we must start with the very basics because that is what they can understand and have the ability to grow from.
Smiles, listening without judging, quiet voices and gentle hands- even when they spit and bite and curse and hit. Because those reactions are the responses of someone who is scared.
Therefore, working harder and harder, trying to force them to take the love and care you can offer them will not only do nothing for them but burn you out faster.

I think this also is true for ourselves as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
If we are honest with ourselves and can pinpoint where we are at in terms of satisfaction with each area, that's almost half the battle. The other parts are accepting it (which is MUCH easier said than done), then developing a plan to get from where you are to the next achievable place.
So what would it take to get me from a 2 in some areas to a 6 like the rest?
I've got some things in the works. And just knowing it helps ease some tension.

Oh, and Star Wars...

Opposites attract

Frederick Douglass "If there is no struggle, there is no progress."

Ideally, I'd like to make some progress every day, although that's not incredibly likely.
However, onward!

Getting back to the nitty gritty- What is a person's shadow?
I spoke to a mentor about this and I considered it to essentially be the opposite of something.
They recommended I write down all of the things I pride myself on and things I love about myself.
So maybe that will be easy...

Spontaneous
Creative
Intelligent
Caring
Open-minded
Etc. Etc. so on and so forth....

Then she said to write down the opposites of those words...
Premeditated
Unimaginative
Foolish
Cold
Closed-minded
All right! Sounds great!!

She said the key is to embrace all of those words- because if you are the first then you are also the second. You can't have one without the other. Yin and Yang and whatnot.
In my head I'm like- okay. I think I can do that....

Then she gave me a quote about loving the murderer in yourself... What?
Well shit... you obviously can't stop there.
The racist
The bigot
The lawyer
(heheheh)
The snob
The annoying little fuckwad
The pleaser
The list is endless...

Can I accept all of those parts? Because they're there whether I want them to be or not... whether I'm comfortable with them or not...

Can I accept that I can be beautiful and hideous like Ms. Beyonce here?

Point in case, maybe if she hadn't made such a big deal about the picture (accepted the ogre inside) it wouldn't be a meme now....

Nevermind. They would have done it anyway, let's be realistic.

I think something like this takes years to master... really... perhaps a lifetime.
Perhaps if for no other reason than the person you are changes, and you are forced to come to terms with those opposites.

Ugly portraits... ooooooooooh.....

What to expect when you're expecting.

You know, this Star Wars theme is wonderful. It's practically the perfect template for drawing all sorts of things! SOOOO many people have beat this idea into the ground! And although that may have some drawbacks, it's perfect for someone (like me) who has no idea what they're doing!!

For instance,
Just searching around I found this cool ass website called The Mythology Teacher. It has its own little tab for A Hero's Journey that talks almost exclusively about Star Wars and the types of struggles present throughout the story.
One word that caught my attention was Monomyth.
So I'm thinking, "Okay, what's that? One myth? The ultimate myth?" OOooooOOoooooOOOoooo

 Now, I don't know how this never made it into my program's curriculum, but this is great!! Basically EVERY story has the same elements. There's also a super cool Joseph Campbell one that looks intimidating as hell but explains things a bit more.

I don't know why it starts to the left... kind of confuses me... And check out that leopard with the eyepatch? Isn't he the freakin BOMB!? Yea man! I want HIM to be the hero of my story!!

So obviously as I'm searching I'm thinking about myself and wondering where I might be in this little circle thing.
I think I've made it through the whole "refusal of call" thing. Fairly certain I've come to terms with making a fool out of myself on the internet, because really.... who isn't these days??
Perhaps  my supernatural aid is the information I find online. MAYBE my aid is STAR WARS?! DAMN, how cool is that?!#@$^*@#
So next?

According to the Mythology Teacher:
"ENTERING THE UNKNOWN-
As they embark on their journey, the heroes enter a world they have never experienced before. Very often it is filled with supernatural creatures, breathtaking sights, and the constant threat of death. Unlike the heroes' home, this outside work has its own rules, and they quickly learn to respect these rules as their endurance, strength, and mettle are tested time and time again. After all, it is not the end of the journey which teaches, but the journey itself.
The Wizard of Oz: Dorothy must learn the rules of Oz.
The Matrix: Neo must come to grips with the realities and unrealities of the Matrix.

I have a feeling the set of rules that are unknown to me are the ones pertaining to the management of an actual blog. I've barely read a blog, let alone know how to manage one. For example: What the hell is up with these stats?! Do I really need to know what countries people are reading this in? I mean it's cool to think someone in Saudi Arabia has (*cough cough* my aunt *cough*) but it can be overwhelming to think about. Now granted, I don't think I'll have to worry about it, but people get PAID for this?! There's an "Earnings" tab! I never understood how that worked... but I suppose that's how all these youtube celebrities and bloggers can afford to keep food in their mouths...

Okay- so that would have been the perfect opening for a ridiculous video of someone lighting their farts on fire while riding a skateboard down a hill in San Francisco- but I couldn't find one. Instead I found this!

Monomyth explained much easier!

AND, if for some reason you think I've been avoiding this whole "diving in to the depths of the unknown" because I'm scared shitless and am wasting time skirting around the edge of this "ABYSS" ?

MAN, how BADASS is that leopard with one eye!?! He looks like he has a cool ass name like Reginald the Thirdington or some shit!... 

DUDE... Where did he COME from?!?

You see... wha ha happen wah...

In many stories and video games there comes a time when the "hero" must face themselves.
How it actually plays out is another matter entirely.

We hear a lot about "facing fears." But what does that mean?
I'm afraid of many, many things. Do I have to face them all at once? Or does it all boil down to accepting that fear is a natural part of life and an emotional state that passes and can be overcome when needed?

Story time!
It was a fall evening. I was sitting in my car outside of a residential treatment house, shaking.
I was shaking so badly that even as my hands were held together in my lap I could still feel the shake. It was growing overwhelming, and bringing tears.

Weeks prior to this, it was a normal night and I walked in the house without a thought. Overall the place had been having some issues since it's recent opening because the girls were still testing staff and limits. There were 5 girls in the house, the max.
The events of the hour that followed are still difficult to recall in order (which makes a lot of sense if you understand how trauma can affect the brain). Essentially the adults in the household lost control of the girls. My presence (and some of my behaviors) had fueled the fire and chaos. The result was an experience I'll never forget. It's a reminder of what could happen if anyone underestimates the level to which the children have been hurt and  how easily they can be triggered. 

What I do remember clearly is what I did after.
I was in a back office, listening to the banging, cursing and threats just outside the door. There was no easy access to the car to flee, so I had to go through the house. 
I breathed.  Sat with eyes closed, taking deep breaths until there were no more sounds outside the door.
So I made a plan. I'd walk out of the office calmly, address the staff that the girls weren't in a place to have group and we'd try again next week.
Then I would get the fuck out of there.
I repeated it over and over again until I felt calm enough to open the door.

I walked into the common room and was encouraged by the control in my voice as I said the rehearsed line to a staff member and one of the girls sitting on the couch.
Another girl walked into the room, asked what was going on, so I repeated it.
I was shocked when the two girls appeared dismayed by the news and apologized for their behavior as well as their peers' behavior. "It's okay. We'll just try again later."
Two more of the girls came in and the message was relayed to them by staff. All were calm and accepting.
The last girl then came into the room (the one who had been banging the door and threatening my life) and was about to get the same news but interrupted immediately and asked to show everyone her "Avatar Dance." As many times as I continued to explain (so I could get to the "getting the fuck out of there" bit) she insisted until I finally just gave in.
"Okay ****, go ahead."
She then proceeded to perform a brief and completely ridiculous series of contortions that had absolutely no organization whatsoever and left her wriggling on the ground in front of the group.
Everyone burst out laughing.

I left soon after feeling more confused than ever in my professional life. The incident was later processed with supervisors, peers, family and close friends. But it still did not keep me from shaking and dreading that house every session in the weeks to follow.

But on the fall evening, when I could feel myself getting overwhelmed, I breathed. Just like the night it happened. The difference between the two nights though was the ready option of escape. To claim illness and try again later. I didn't have to go through the house to leave, I just had to make up an excuse and put the car in drive. But I made the choice to face it instead and accept the fear as a natural consequence of the experiences and purposefully (but with its due respect) set it aside.
I took a breath, felt scared for another few moments and promised myself I could feel scared again after it was over.

I don't remember what the groups after that were like, but I gave myself permission to be scared several more times before it got easier. After a while I no longer only associated the house with the incident. Now, although the schedule and my groups have changed, the only time I think about the incident is when I choose to think about it. Which of course is much better than having them pop up unbidden at the most inconvenient times.

The point of all this?
Elenor Roosevelt said I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him. 

So GREAT!! GREAT NEWS!!
The more I keep poking and prodding this shadow shit the easier it will become?
The more I keep rummaging through and writing down my inner most thoughts, fears, and shaming experiences the more strength and courage I will possess!!
See, again! Our dearest Elenor says so! "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."

SO you SEE! The perks are clearly listed!! I shall be STRONG! And CONFIDENT! And WISER because of this pursuit of the shadow! And I'll even take it one step further and BLOG about the process! WHOA! And THEN I'll tell all my friends about the blog so I can't back out and force myself to keep going! Yea, yea, yea- This is Brilliant!! They can help hold me accountable!!

Nah, but really folks... this shit is a piece of cake. We should ALL do it!!

I'll be expecting emails with links to your blogs...

Protection Projection

I don't pretend to be a giant Star Wars fan so please correct me if I'm wrong.

Yoda is one of my favorite characters in the films although for all his wisdom I believe he may be the victim of his own projections..
Let me explain.
I'm sure any hardcore fan may already know what I will be bringing up.
While watching the 1st, 2nd and 3rd episodes my loving fondness for Yoda changed and it left a small niggling feeling in the back of my head.
In the first film he says this to Anakin in the Jedi Council:

"Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you."

I think in many ways this quote sums up the place where Yoda is stuck in his understanding.
Fear can lead to the Dark Side- Fear can lead to anger, anger can lead to hate and hate can lead to suffering yes. YES? And THEN what?! But he stops.
The suffering.
What comes from suffering? What comes from broken bones? A broken heart?
Clarity. A deeper understanding. Knowledge.
And that's where I agree with the Emperor to some extent.

I believe the true hero of the stories (thus far) is Anakin Skywalker. He walked both lines and crossed to both for his own purposes and reason. Maybe Luke will be a transformational character as well. I guess we'll see in the next three movies, eh!?!

Anyway- back to Yoda.
Yoda's on the "good" side right? An unrepentant Jedi who strove to teach others in his image. But you can't save the universe with only one piece of the puzzle. Faith and trust must be given to the self to navigate both with careful consideration if you intend to transcend beyond them.
Rules must be broken. However, that is Yoda's role- to teach rules to begin with.

Now- I don't know if Yoda knows and understands his role in the larger scheme of the universe- I don't believe he does (although I'll have to go back and watch more carefully). So what is keeping Master Yoda firmly set in this mentality that Luke should only maintain a Jedi path?
Okay, so I don't know about you but I think Yoda may have a bit of a Napoleon complex. He's got a shit ton of power, yes! He is strong with the force he is! But he also kinda fucking toots his own horn a bit! If he were admit to himself that perhaps there is something more than the true and righteous Jedi path, he also admits his entire life's pursuit was not a grand and righteous, holier than thou, I have the right to push you around and tell you want to do because I'm the bomb-damn-diggity and you will do what the fuck I say because I am the wisest mutherfucker in the galaxy so far as we know- BUT that he was just simply one small piece of the puzzle. One thread in a much larger weave (although an important green one) and just a player on a stage with his own limitations.
But don't get me wrong- I think he may have understood this somewhere because he also tends to have a humble streak who likes a simple life and is open-minded enough to accept something of that magnitude. (P.S. I love Yoda.)

So with that being said, Jung wrote this about projections-
"The effect of a projection is to isolate the subject from his environment, since instead of a real relation to it there is now only an illusory one."
He later goes on to give an example,
"A forty-five-year-old patient who had suffered from a compulsion neurosis since he was twenty and had become completely cut off from the world once said to me: 'But I can never admit to myself that I've wasted the best twenty-five years of my life!'"
"It is often tragic to see how blatantly a man bungles his own life and the lives of others yet remains totally incapable of seeing how much the whole tragedy originates in himself, and how he continually feeds it and keeps it going. Not consciously, of course- for consciously he is engaged in bewailing and cursing a faithless world that recedes further and further into the distance. Rather, it is an unconscious factor which spins the illusions that veil his world. And what is being spun is a cocoon, which in the end will completely envelop him." (1951, "The Shadow" Aion.) (And I don't have to fucking cite things correctly- this is my own damn blog).

Apparently these projections belong in the "realm of the shadow."
But I may not be in a place to begin identifying my own projections... ?

.... I've thought about deleting this blog a thousand times since its inception... (You know, in the past three days).
I think I may even have mentioned something of a projection in the previous post-
"You're more of an inconvenience than anything."
The idea that my thoughts are a waste of time and not worth the effort to explain, let alone publish for a random audience to read...
SO I should save myself the trouble AND potential anguish of reading critiques and comments!!

However, should I do that (delete this blog) I will be continuing to spin the web of that safe little cocoon I have wrapped myself in to keep from feeling the potential pain associated with vulnerability. So here I fucking go... I have to do it for my own damn good.

Imagine a person taking a light saber and cutting themselves out of a cocoon right now...
Hairless, skin pale from lack of sunlight, eyes wide with shock and fear to see the outside world and thinking "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!? NOOOOOOO!! This is all wrong, there must be some mistake! Quick, sew it back up! Sew it up!!"

Ain't I a sight people? A beautiful squishily pale vision of strength for identifying this particular projection and trying my best to patch up the shreds of silky fabric? Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Behold!

Well have no fear. I'll be okay as soon as I find some clothes. And maybe a good surgeon.