The art of giving too much of a shit.

Well- I remember when I posted something along the lines of...

"there will come a time when the delving has come to a point in which the delver (muah) shall need to go back up for air.. "

This is that point.

I will be taking a mental health day tomorrow in an attempt to counteract frayed nerves and an overall sullen affect that has permeated my groups.

This "mental health" day shall consist of:
1) Eating healthy food and consuming water along with regularly scheduled vitamins.
2) Driving to a local "favorite place" in which I can feel calmed by sitting my happy ass in nature and feel relieved it isn't 103 degrees outside for once during the summer.
3) Banning the use of cell phone games (or excessive use of).
4) Listening to comforting music (whether it be Metallica or Chopin).
5) Discussing matters with my now resurfaced supervisor.
6) Discussing any number of stupid and unimportant bullshit with dear and equally fucked up friends.
7) Read a book. 
8) Any other damn thing I please.

With luck I'll be going from this...

to this...

But we'll see.

If all else fails....



I'll have one less damn day until the weekend.

Blues of DucKTape

"Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig
And this may be how it accomplishes the universe holding thing... with varying results.... 

 And I might agree with the sentiment were it not for my final session of the week (a very loooooong and exhausting week) in which the kids themselves began to fall apart at the seams and barricaded the group in the basement with it...

Now... let me clarify... This act in and of itself is okay.
And I truly mean it when I say I believe it was a good thing that the kids were able to express themselves in this way within our session...
However, I ended up leaving the group with SO MUCH ANGER and FRUSTRATION.

Oh, ha ha ha... it's cool! Have a great weekend gentlemen! 

*twitch*... *twitch*...

 

But like I said, the kids didn't do anything wrong... sometimes things like this just happen in my profession.
My job (and the jobs of therapists in general, counselors whatever) requires me to find a way to contain the shit the kids need to get out.. as appealing as that sounds.

And there are times when letting go of it proves to be more difficult than others... which is when a supervisor comes in handy. You know, to help put my own shit into perspectives and help get past it.
Only my supervisor has been MIA for a while, so I'm left with handling it in other ways...

And ALL of these are PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE...
Only it doesn't take me too much longer before I snap...

 "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THE SOPRANOS!"

So then it's just time to seriously calm down and fucking take a page out of my own damn book and fucking do some damn art... no matter how damn tired I am. 

LOOK HONEY!! 

I used some duct tape and made this cool ass wallet!!

Now let's go spend money and pretend our problems don't exist!!
We'll be helping the ECONOMY TOO!!

YEAH!!

Noooooooo... 

No. 

That's not a great way to deal with it either... 

 

 All right...


Maybe that's more like it...


Now I'm going to go pass out.

Sometimes... this shit.... uuuuuuuuugh...
Just....


uuuuuuuuugh.....

Poignancy

There are days where you start off great and days when you're scared witless immediately while driving a motor vehicle. And these incidents can dramatically assist in turning your day a little more sour...

It's cool pedestrians! Don't mind the shrieking. Please go about your business.

So while the remainder of my morning has been on edge, I just read an interesting story.

A new pastor has been elected for a congregation and on his first day he enters the church dressed as a homeless man.
Needless to say he is greeted by few of its members and told not to approach the sanctuary and sit in the back.
Now- he also behaved as a homeless man might. Asking for change to eat, but he also made an effort to greet others.

So, as you might expect the congregation went silent after the pastor stood from the back and walked past them to the front of the church. He quoted a scripture and told them how he was treated and how he felt.

In some ways I believe this to be brilliant. In fact, in most ways.
The only defense I can come up with is that it completely took them off guard- which was the point.
It's a reminder. And we all need those reminders and lessons to bring us back to a goal, if we choose to seek it out. The goal of becoming the person we hope to be.

None of those people were at fault. They might have cried and felt at fault, however the lesson was learned.
And the only thing I hope is that it wasn't given in disdain or blame- which I would imagine a new pastor would not want to do if his goal is to encourage love and acceptance for all.

Now, I don't necessarily consider myself to be a person who subscribes to any one religious faith, but I will proudly keep a picture of this man as a reminder of the lesson to try and continue on my journey to be that better person.

And there will be times I fail, many times and that's to be expected. As long as I keep remembering the ultimate goal and strive to meet it.

One step at a time.
One foot after another.

The prices we pay for the games we choose.

How in the hell am I supposed to stay concentrated on my quest for the Dark-Side when there are these?

Shiny fucking light boxes that make cool sounds and bombard me with an array of magical color combinations with GAMES, like this one...

And these games do NOTHING but continually engage my attention and offer me small doses of my own endorphins when I accomplish meaningless goals that it arbitrarily creates to encourage FURTHER investments of time and opportunities to fork over hard earned CASH!

How... and I mean HOW in the hell is someone with a minimal interest in wasting time while waiting for a friend or doing laundry supposed to not ruin their weekend by pouring hour after hour into this little machine if they have at least the slightest bit of an addictive personality??

What am I supposed to do???!??!?! Give it away?!?! Delete the games? I've already tried that once and it pulls me back in.

... Maybe I can use this force for good.

... There has to be an app for that...
And I'll waste more time on my phone looking for it?!?!


No but seriously, this shit is out of control.
It takes 12 hours for a new monster to be bred, and then 12 more hours for it to incubate in that damn game.
And at this rate, I'll be lucky if I last through tomorrow before pawning off my first born child for "50,000 Diamonds!"

WTF!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Sometimes it feels like video games are destroying my soul.
It's like those addicts you see on TV.
They have a diagnosis for that now you know? Video Game Addiction.
You're literally addicted to your own endorphins.
None of my immediate family members are immune.
We all pay the price.

The Meeds of the Nany

I find it highly coincidental that some individuals in my building continue to leave books of a spiritual nature  on a ledge in our lobby... for anyone to pick up.
When living in a city, you can always guarantee there will be many many different types of people. And therefore ensure a range of perspectives, interests and cultures.

So I picked up this gem.
"The Way Beyond: An overview of spiritual practices" the other day by William L. Mikulas, written in 1987.

In the introduction it reads:
     So, who is going on this journey? Some travelers primarily think about the journey psychologically. They are interested in things such as maximizing their potential, self-actualization, peak experiences and peak performance, and psychological insights. Other travelers wish to move beyond ("trans") the limitation of their conditioned personal beings. Their transpersonal journey or consciousness exploration is aimed at getting beyond the restrictions and suffering of an ego-based reality.
...Some travelers perceive themselves on a spiritual journey, perhaps wishing some type of experience, communication, or merging with that which is greater than themselves and which "includes" them.
...This is a book about what to do, not what to believe. In fact, relative to the journey it is often best to "believe" as little as possible. Just follow the practices, go on the journey, and see for yourself.
...I must include the following warning: if any such practices cause unpleasant psychological disturbances, then stop the practices and consult a counselor or guide who is experienced in that area. Occasionally, a person's ego may be overwhelmed by the thoughts and images that arise...

In a different book I found at a book shop in a local tourist trap was "Beyond Religion" that talks about "alternative paths to the sacred." Psychology is in there. The "arts." There's even a section entitled "Dark Nights of the Soul."
OOOOOOoooooOOOoOOOoooOOOOOOo, I know! I'm saving it for a special day!!

So the question arises... Is this what I'm doing?
Am I seeking out peak experiences here?
Am I in search of the ultimate performance of my self?
Maybe? Question mark?

I was always intrigued in Psych101 about what was meant by the term "self-actualization" when we learned Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I had this really snarky professor who said "it is highly unlikely that anyone in this room will reach this pinnacle of being."
And I thought to myself at the time, "That's fucking right dude! Include yourself in that mumbo jumbo!"

Now- if I am honest with myself I could perhaps be in the "cognitive needs" area, searching for meaning and being more self-aware and definitely working on creating an environment that appeases the "aesthetic needs" category (feng shui baby- workin' on it!). And speaking of which- I sincerely apologize for the ugliness of this model... all the other ones were not as complete. So here's a prettier one.

Climber person's striving for the top! (Eye of the Tiger)

However, does that mean I have the rest of the needs below figured out and secured? HELL NO!
In fact, I believe I've had to sacrifice a lot of "belonging and love needs" to work on the ones above it.
Apparently it doesn't need to strictly work that way.
However, continuing to eat, breath and sleep may assist greatly in all of the above.

So.... one last thing that I would like to examine is this idea of unpleasant psychological disturbances that Mikulas talks about. Could those be the mind's defense system to prevent a person from "overloading the system?"
Is all that's needed to achieve this higher level of being be patience and persistence? (And maybe compassion but that's doesn't start with a P.)
All you really need is a continued resolution to push past those physical and mental blocks that we develop throughout our life, despite the unpleasantness?

Doesn't that idea completely conflict with what people say is a human's natural compulsion- to maximize pleasure and minimize pain? Or would the painful journey result in the ultimate pleasure a person could experience and therefore be worth it? The grand-daddy of delayed gratification...
I remember reading somewhere that Mother Teresa could do it...
Shit man! Mother $&%^* Teresa? ...
...
... 
 eh.... 
I just suddenly got very tired...

THAT'S IT! This squirrel has it all figured out.
 

15 Reminders

The summer is "Wedding Season" and I have just returned from one for an extended family member.
There are several things I've learned and was reminded of on this trip.

1) Children are like little pools of water. They take the shape of their containers and reflect back their environment.
i.e. Calm adults = calm children. Drunk, loud, obnoxious adults = Chaotic, extremely loud and obnoxious children. However, free and easily accessible candy on a small child height table may not encourage obedient children, no matter how many calm adults you have.

2) The best of intentions can fall short. Sometimes very short.
p.s. But that's totally par for the wedding course.

3) Taking advantage of moments of peace is never a waste of time.

"We have to remember this place when we're sitting in our tiny living room in the city."

"Yea." 

4) People will always remember the way you make them feel, and it often takes a deliberate effort to counteract that if its negative.
p.s. However, making that effort can be worth it. If not in the way you expect- then another.

5) Loving someone can sometimes mean doing something they don't like for their own good and accepting the reality that what is right is rarely easy.
p.s. And not unlike parenting. 

6) Being needed and appreciated are wonderful things although they should be experienced in moderation.
p.s. And it's kind of your own fault if you become resentful of others "needing" you too much when you do not understand your own thresholds and set boundaries to protect against getting depleted.

7) People cope with stress in many different ways. And larger issues arise when those coping options are taken away.
i.e. "Look, you deal with stress your way and I deal with it in mine. You bitch and complain and I heath bar, beef jerky, chewy spree, nutty butty bars, and pork rind."

8) Bitching about a husband/wife does not equate to not loving them, or even wanting to fix the problem you are bitching about. Most of the times it equates to needing to get it off your chest so you can better deal with it later.
i.e. "Grandma, when is it acceptable to 'slap a bitch'?"

9) The things people value will surface in their interactions whether they want them to or not.
p.s. Prestigious university = Increased worth as human being.

10) The Latin phrase In vino veritas. There is truth in wine. And also relevant is the extension of that in aqua sanitas, which translates to "in water, health."

Round, round with the glass, boys, as fast as you can,

Since he who don't drink cannot be a true man.

For if truth is in wine, then 'tis all but a whim

To think a man's true when the wine's not in him.

Drink, drink, then, and hold it a maxim divine

That there's virtue in truth, and there's truth in good wine! - Benjamin Cooke 

(According to Wikipedia, whose posters must be blasted...)

11) “Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” -Terry Pratchett
p.s. A de-cluttered bedroom seems like a small haven of peace after waking up in strange rooms for 5 days.

12) The work you do to understand yourself DEFINITELY helps to understand others and identify things they may be hung up on.
p.s. However, it is rarely socially appropriate to point these things out in public. 

13) As tired as you feel, you CAN keep going.
p.s. In case you can't guess what my role was to help out for the wedding... 

14) The cure for tired is not more coffee.
p.s. Your body needs nutrients to make use of the caffeine you inject. If coffee stops working, you might want to try eating and drinking water instead! Or maybe sleep. That usually helps too.

AND

15) When you're stressed pimples can feel a lot like moles that have seemingly popped up out of nowhere. But maybe you just haven't been aware of this mole until now?
i.e. "Hey can you tell me if this is a mole or a pimple?" "Yea, that's definitely a zit." "Oh...okay, thanks." 


It's nice to be home...
I just hope it's not too long before I need to get my kid wrestling gear on again... 
Little snots...

Dirty nails

I'll just go ahead and say it. (And it isn't anything new folks).
Sorting through shit is time consuming, dusty and both physically and emotionally draining.
And very much worth it.

There was so much great shit that was just... sitting here. And I'm not talking about the shit I want to keep- the stuff I'm giving away! The things that have been taking up space with little or no purpose but are totally cool enough that someone might enjoy them. Like the first three seasons of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Who the hell wouldn't want Aqua Teen?!?

Well not me anymore, but that's not the point. They're still pretty bad ass.

... Damn, maybe I'll just watch them one more time... But when the hell is that going to actually happen? Never!! And that's why they must go...
*sniff* Peace out Meatball and Mooninites.
I'll be damned if I'm giving up Invader Zim instead of you.
Gir kicks your ass in funny any day.

Case in point, all of these things I'm getting rid of obviously have memories attached. Who I got them from, why I bought them, what purpose they served.

And the real question I have to keep asking is whether or not these objects can help
a) remind me of the things I want to remember about the past
b) are presently things I use
c) aid in the quest to become the person I want to be in the future

Eh, I kinda like that quote. It's relevant for me anyway.

In some ways I believe that the actions I'm performing now (clearing, simplifying) is a necessary step in this whole dark side journey thing.
In many other ways it is helping me to appreciate the things I have and hold most dear.

For example:
For many years, since my grandmother's death, I've had her jewelry box. I never really used it because it was large and a little outdated, so I filled it with junk jewelry, along with pieces of hers I was allowed to keep and it's pretty much stayed in my closet.
I'm not even sure what made me think about it but I pulled it out this morning.
It had a broach stuck behind a hinge for years so it couldn't open properly. All I had to do was remove everything else and give it a shake.
Viola!
Needless to say I sorted through everything and it now has a place of prominence in the room.

And THAT's the kind of shit I'm talking about! It was important to me that I keep the box and yet it was sitting in a closet, waiting for some attention. How many other things do I have stuffed in random places waiting for attention??
But it's not all good shit.
Do you have a random luggage bag full of old socks with no matches?!
Yea... Neither do I.   Now. 


So... Let's just say that I expect to be in this phase of the journey for a while.
Maybe I'll have some more tales about it.
Like how the hell we managed to get a small vital and specialized screw out from between the wall and kitchen counter.
MAGNETS!!

BOOOOYAHHHHH!!

Goldsworthing

An artist I admire a great deal is Andy Goldsworthy.

I put on his documentary last night with the thought that it might lull me to sleep. He speaks in very short sentences, using simple language with a lot of pauses. His tone is melodic and calm.
But instead of drifting off to sleep I remained wide awake, transfixed again by the beautiful balance and remarkable insight he has into his process of creating artwork from the earth.

One thing that mesmerizes me most about his work is the wonderful way he creates holes seemingly out of no where.

 And some of them are so dark they appear like little entryways into another world.

So in this documentary he describes the earth- the ground- his materials- as an entity with a vitality and life of their own that he's just manipulating for a moment "shaking hands with". He speaks of the destruction of the pieces just as lovingly- sometimes more so than the creation itself. In fact, I believe he creates many pieces with the intention of being destroyed or altered in some way by the rest of the environment which is intensely poetic and life affirming. Being swept away by the wind. Being washed away by the tide. Drifting down the river. Saplings springing through his pieces.

He welcomes these changes and "lives for" the moments after their creations when an environment enhances them. When the sun shines on them perfectly. When the structure stays together as it floats out to sea, almost like accepting it as a gift. When the seasons change and alter the experience of them. It seems so... ethereal and yet so grounding.

I think the common thread for me is the attention being given to place and time and reaffirming that in a personally meaningful way. Finding a way to be comfortable in both hemispheres of peace/war, death/life, fear/courage that feels authentic.

Of course that's kinda what this whole journey thing is about- and the catch is finding a way to actually implement it in my life. Artwork tends to do that for me, but there needs to be more intention other than I just want it to go with the rest of my furnishings.

Good start, good start Jung team!
Keep at it!!

Go ask Alice

     "So she set the little creature down and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood. 'If it had grown up,' she said to herself, 'it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes rather a handsome pig, I think.' And she began thinking over other children she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself 'if one only knew the right way to change them-' when she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.

     The cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought: still it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.

     'Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?'

     'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
     'I don't much care where-' said Alice.
     'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat. 
     '- so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
     'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.'" -Lewis Carroll