Growing pains

Yea, so you know all that shit I talked about having compassion for everyone and the way to do it is to be vulnerable?

FUCK THIS DUDE!!

UGH!!....

So I go up to the staff member who I had a power struggle with last week (a staff who was dressed down by his supervisor and the clinician and was told that he was wrong and I was right). So I decided to own up to my part of the interaction. I did this assuming he would do what the supervisor told him to do and own up to his part as well.
So here's how it went.
"Mr. X, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Yea."
"I just wanted to apologize and let you know I take responsibility for a lack of communication on Thursday. It would have helped if I had let you know what I was working on with [client] and I'll try to have more of an open dialogue with you about it. Because we're both trying to do the same thing, help the kids with treatment."
"Yea, yea. Yea, okay."

And that's it.
I was furious.
What the fuck about YOU dude?! Do YOU not have any responsibility in this?? SURE! It's cool! I'll just take all the blame shall I? Fucking coward!

And that's kinda where I stayed for a while. Just thinking back and forth about how much of a chicken this guy was.
It's really reinforced also by the selfish and completely mindless things he's done in the past as well.
It's REALLY hard to work with jerks who tear up the artwork of a kid because they got pissed off that the kid wasn't listening to them.
How fucking small must you be?
The kid has AUTISM!! He doesn't know why he does HALF the shit he does to begin with you F-ING IDIOT!!
You really showed that kid who was boss!! I bet he'll listen next time!! Oh wait, it looked like it didn't change anything- he's still not listening when you tell him to sit down. What do you know?!


Anyway... yes I have an issue with these types of people...
But what kills me is the idea that I took a risk and was vulnerable and ... this guy didn't even invalidate me. He just didn't do what I did.
He couldn't take responsibility for his part in the failure to provide this kid with treatment.
And I think overall, that's the kicker, for me.
I can't expect other people to do that.
Everyone is doing what they're doing.
I really can't hold his guy to the same standards I hold myself to.
I can't do that to anyone.
In some respects I should be glad he wasn't cruel and rubbed my apology in my face because there are plenty of people who would have done that and worse.

This taking the next step towards compassion is going to take some work...

Fucking A is it going to take some work...
And I really have to believe that this process is one worth going through.
That the end will justify the means.

If what I read is true, the end more than justifies the means.

Wait, what is the end?
There really isn't an end..
According to other people I'll be living my life in a more fulfilling way, with more control over my emotions and will create more love in my life... more connection...
I could be the change I want to see in the world?

Even if this doesn't happen...
I think the pursuit of this is noble.
And the potential of this to happen may be worth it trying for regardless. 

I was angry... now I don't think I am anymore.
It's a start. 

A path from doubt.

The more often I allow myself to do/read/view the things I find interesting for no other purpose than to do it, the more often I find connections that I believe help lead down the path to living a fulfilled and wholehearted life.

It's almost like I'm being drawn to the things I need. Kinda like what Carl Rogers believed. (i.e. that every organism innately knows what they need).

For instance, I read saw a TEDx talk by a social worker named Brene Brown. She's a phenomenological researcher that studies what some consider the "master emotion": shame.
I found the talk interesting. A lot of it discussed vulnerability and how being vulnerable is the only way we can open up enough to truly allow love, caring, and belonging into our lives. However, fear and shame and the stories we tell ourselves often keep our most authentic selves hidden.

In many ways I feel that these concepts are vitally connected to my journey "into the dark side."

So while out on a date with my significant other at the book store (that we inevitably end up at when left to our own devices at 9pm), I picked up "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.

Initially I was reluctant to buy it. The subtitle was "Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Your guide to a wholehearted life."
And to be honest my brain immediately shouted, "LAAAAAAAAAAME!"
Then I read the back and it had the typical praises from other authors she knows AND who have the most influential resumes and it shouted, "STILL LAME!!"
I read her biography blurb... "UGH! Who cares?! This is all the same stuff and its not even the most impressive one!"

But I couldn't put it down.
I kept trying to convince myself that I didn't need the book and it very likely would end up in the same pile of self-help books I begin to read then discard after a boring chapter or two.
But I still didn't.
And I held on to it long enough that when it was time to go I handed it over to be purchased.

And the next morning I began reading.
Not a fan of her writing style....
She keeps using the same words....
That's a good quote... *grabs a pen*
Yea, I can see that. I agree...
Intro- "The Journey... It is a process... How do we cultivate what we need and let go of the things that are holding us back?"
"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
Infinite power is a little dramatic but yes... I agree.

I just find myself continuing to read and agreeing with more and more of her ideas.
Then I read and begin to understand and recognize more things I've thought of but that are written so clearly, like, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

Now- Let me go on a tangent if I may- 
This idea has been becoming more and more important to me as I work with a client who has been all but diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder.
Now.. if you are a mental health professional you understand how difficult it can be to work with one of these patients.
They can be extremely needy, manipulative,and volatile to say the least.
Finding compassion for them can be exceedingly difficult- which also happens to be what they need most in the world. BUT when you find compassion and offer it to them, they become frightened and shove it back in your face, which makes it that much more difficult to find it the next time, etc. etc.
Nothing is ever enough for a Borderline. They can seem like a black hole that will never be filled no matter how much love and care you pour into them.
Draining.
Highly provocative.
They notoriously have both severe boundaries for themselves and yet challenge the boundaries of others constantly.
They draw you in, then spit you out. 
It's an endless, exhaustive cycle.

 *In case you can't read it, the front of the shirt says "Ask me about Borderline Personality Disorder." 

However, in the next paragraph of Brown's book she writes that in her quest to understand compassion she's learned that "Compassionate people are boundaried people."
"The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."

DING DING DING DING!!

This is why I don't feel drained by my Borderline patient! At first I thought I was just being sucked in hardcore because I wasn't losing compassion for the kid. If anything I was feeling more compassion for him because of how fragile his ego is and how I keep witnessing the drained responses of my co-workers just keep getting them pulled deeper and deeper into the spiral suck of the black hole. However, I am CONSTANTLY reinforcing boundaries with this kid- but not in a demeaning way. Just with certainty they he will keep doing what Borderlines do and I can have an endless store of compassion as long as I maintain my own safe boundaries. The kid might actually begin to feel some kind of safety when they see I'm still not swayed regardless of the stunts being pulled (because they WILL be pulled). Allegations against staff will likely be the next trick to keep people from getting too close but even if they're against me, I have nothing to hide.

But, going back to what I was saying about compassion- 
Problem- My clients are not listening or respecting me?
Problem- Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group?
Problem- Total lack of compassion, I'm pissed! Fuck them! What the hell is their problem? I'm working my ass off to try to help these kids and I feel completely unsupported and drained!

Okay well... are you holding them accountable? Do they know what you expect of them and do they know the consequences of their actions? Yes? Are you enforcing the consequences?

My clients are not listening or respecting me? Hold them accountable for their actions by sticking to the group rules- three strikes, you're out. No big deal, just try again next week. Reinforce that it is only their behaviors that are unacceptable and not THEM as a person.

Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group? Talk to them- tell them you're having a hard time and let them know ways they can help you. They're trying to help the kids out too right? Get them on your team. If they STILL don't, that's another matter.

Brown's point? What is one of the biggest reasons why we don't just hold others accountable in the first place?
We're afraid of seeming out of control and/or admit that we need help?
Why?
Because that may mean we don't know what we're doing, and if people think we're frauds, they will shun us.
And being shunned by others reaffirms shame (that everyone feels) about being unworthy of other people's respect, love and acceptance.
And if we believe we are undeserving of love and respect than we may accept their lack thereof and poor treatment as par for the course... "just one more example of why I suck."

Essentially we allow them to step on us because in the deepest parts of our hearts- we think we deserve it.

It's not a new concept- but like I mentioned at the beginning of this post...
I think this might have been what I needed to hear at this point in time.
Essentially, I became aware of it because it's what I need to move forward right now with this journey.

I haven't thought too much about "shame" and the things I fear. According to Brown the more you talk about it, the less of a hold it has over you. The more honest and authentic you are about facing it, the more you can connect with others and feel more of a sense of belonging.
I've found this to be true in the past.
Being afraid of the repercussions, but hearing my voice shake as I say what I believe to be true and my authentic self has always been the best way through the fear.
I inevitably feel validated, secure and confident in my decision to plow through.
Which gives me more courage to speak up the next time.

SO.... all of this basically boils down to one thing.
This feels good... and right... so I think I'll keep going down this path for a while...

And see where it leads.

Glad I didn't listen to the LAME voice!

Patterning Halloweenies

Hola.
Halloween is approaching.

Typically this holiday holds minimal importance for me.
However, this year... it seems like I see it everywhere.
Like people are going out of their way to make this holiday a very involved and eventful one.

And to that I say... yea, okay.

Although, in the last few years I've noticed a trend.
Since I began a visual journal I have used halloween stickers to represent clients.
Ghosts, zombies, vampires, werewolves... they're all quite appropriate for their behaviors (which I definitely find humorous!).

So the following are the images from my journals from around this time over the past three years.
And I'll briefly add my own version of their meaning and analysis.
(I can hear the cheers already, "Goody Goody Gumdrops!!")

Year 1: Totally overwhelmed. It was at this point the clients I was working with began causing riots in the houses. It was my first contact with a highly non-functional group dynamic with highly aggressive and hostile teens.
I didn't know how to respond. I felt beaten and traumatized myself.
Hence all of the sad/shocked expressions changed on the stickers and the masses of stickers piled on one another in the second image.

Looking back on it now, this was a very challenging time. One of the only ways I dealt with it was expressing myself through art and acknowledging how helpless I felt in response to them. But it didn't last forever.
As evident in the following years' images.


Year 2: Containment and learning to nurture.
The circle is a symbol of nurturing and the "whole." During this year I was more confident in my approaches with the clients. I felt as though I was beginning to understand their needs and how to help them.
A lot of eyes in the first image suggests feeling watched. Food in the hands of each character in the second represents being fed physically, while the moon represents emotional nurturing.

This was also around the time when I had more support from the staff where I work and there were more Creative Arts Therapists coming on board. The program was expanding at this point.

Year 3: While I've only just created this one I feel like it represents an even more relaxation into my role as an art therapist and my approach to how I help the clients. I will sometimes refer to what I do as "magic" with the kids when they asked me how I knew something. Many of my clients are as wary as they have been in the past, only now I respond with humor and confidence in my experience.
A lot of clients are also very much emotionally younger than their ages and respond more to a playful approach versus systematic and analytic tasks.

Sometimes this playful approach can have negative consequences. I.e. some new clients not taking it as seriously as they should. But I just reinforce behavior standards and be more clear where I need to be.


And... that's it.
As one of my co-workers once said in regards to behaviors... "One time is fine. Two times is notable. And three times is a pattern."

So that's the pattern thus far.
Taking glances back to the beginnings of my journey as an art therapist helps to reinforce the things I've learned.
Which is why a visual journal is important, at least right now.

And for some reason I really enjoy the image of being a scary skeleton with a bottle of "magic potion" telling scared halloweenies "I've been waiting for you!"

That's all.

As I prepare myself to begin writing in this blog again, there's a couple of things to remember.

The purpose: To delve where no other being as gone before (and coincidentally, no other can!).
(See what I did there? Yep... Star Trek reference as I compared the inner world we all have to space. Only our inner worlds are more exclusive! How bout them apples?!)

Goal 1: Continue the process of accepting and loving myself and others.

Goal 2: Accept

Goal 3: Love

Needs: Quiet reflection/musing time. Computer.

It has occurred to me why I have not felt compelled to write here.
Yes, for obvious reasons of course- moving, working, etc.
However, it wasn't necessarily a lack of time.
Just not the right kind of time.

A recent connection-
Jung developed the concept of introversion and extroversion.
He states there is no such thing as a pure extrovert or introvert, and that most of us are a mixture of both.
For myself, the scale tips a little more on the side of introversion.
For my significant other, the scale tips much more on the side of introversion.
However, we both have our extrovert "its-getting-very-lonely-we-should-see-some-daylight-and-maybe-our-friends" moments.

With that being said, this weekend marks the first in over a month that includes some relaxation time.
Time without social or community obligations. 
Time doing whatever.

Breath of fresh air.

A settling has begun to occur which has been vitally needed.

In other words:
Thank god we finally got some balance up in this bitch!

That's all...


That's all.

Reflections of self

I have this ongoing vision or story in my head- and I've written it out periodically in this blog.

It seems that at different times, I get inspired to do more writing about it. Like the story's kind of unfolding as I go along this path.

The last place I left off Terin was lost in a large cave, that didn't seem to have an end. A beautiful cave, but the more he wandered looking for a way out, the more he realized he was just entering back into the same room he left.

From there I think he would have finally gotten to a door and been able to walk back out, into the forest and see the same shack he had come across at the beginning of the story. This time, a little less shabby. Maybe the walkway leading up to the shack was a little more worn, the roof wasn't in such disrepair.

Upon knocking, he still waited and listened and heard small rumblings becoming louder until the door was opened again by the hairy figure.

For me- as the fabricator of the story- it has occurred to me that the character of the hairy figure has transformed...

The first time I envisioned this particular character it was in a dream- and I believe I wrote about it.
I saw it as a tarlike, quivering animal or ball of blackness sitting on the doorstep of a house I used to live in. When I went to comfort it, it struck out at me.

Since then, this character has developed into a figure- hunched over, covered in thick matted hair.
And as I'm sitting here, able to imagine more to this story- I begin to see this character is only a reflection of a neglected and abused part of myself.

I haven't been able to do much artwork recently, but I think I may need to create an image of it.





On a entirely different note, I believe things are coming full circle in that I am now supervising a 1st year art therapy student.
Yesterday was her first day.
She's in for an intense trip.

But aren't we all?