Growing pains

Yea, so you know all that shit I talked about having compassion for everyone and the way to do it is to be vulnerable?

FUCK THIS DUDE!!

UGH!!....

So I go up to the staff member who I had a power struggle with last week (a staff who was dressed down by his supervisor and the clinician and was told that he was wrong and I was right). So I decided to own up to my part of the interaction. I did this assuming he would do what the supervisor told him to do and own up to his part as well.
So here's how it went.
"Mr. X, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Yea."
"I just wanted to apologize and let you know I take responsibility for a lack of communication on Thursday. It would have helped if I had let you know what I was working on with [client] and I'll try to have more of an open dialogue with you about it. Because we're both trying to do the same thing, help the kids with treatment."
"Yea, yea. Yea, okay."

And that's it.
I was furious.
What the fuck about YOU dude?! Do YOU not have any responsibility in this?? SURE! It's cool! I'll just take all the blame shall I? Fucking coward!

And that's kinda where I stayed for a while. Just thinking back and forth about how much of a chicken this guy was.
It's really reinforced also by the selfish and completely mindless things he's done in the past as well.
It's REALLY hard to work with jerks who tear up the artwork of a kid because they got pissed off that the kid wasn't listening to them.
How fucking small must you be?
The kid has AUTISM!! He doesn't know why he does HALF the shit he does to begin with you F-ING IDIOT!!
You really showed that kid who was boss!! I bet he'll listen next time!! Oh wait, it looked like it didn't change anything- he's still not listening when you tell him to sit down. What do you know?!


Anyway... yes I have an issue with these types of people...
But what kills me is the idea that I took a risk and was vulnerable and ... this guy didn't even invalidate me. He just didn't do what I did.
He couldn't take responsibility for his part in the failure to provide this kid with treatment.
And I think overall, that's the kicker, for me.
I can't expect other people to do that.
Everyone is doing what they're doing.
I really can't hold his guy to the same standards I hold myself to.
I can't do that to anyone.
In some respects I should be glad he wasn't cruel and rubbed my apology in my face because there are plenty of people who would have done that and worse.

This taking the next step towards compassion is going to take some work...

Fucking A is it going to take some work...
And I really have to believe that this process is one worth going through.
That the end will justify the means.

If what I read is true, the end more than justifies the means.

Wait, what is the end?
There really isn't an end..
According to other people I'll be living my life in a more fulfilling way, with more control over my emotions and will create more love in my life... more connection...
I could be the change I want to see in the world?

Even if this doesn't happen...
I think the pursuit of this is noble.
And the potential of this to happen may be worth it trying for regardless. 

I was angry... now I don't think I am anymore.
It's a start.