How it actually plays out is another matter entirely.
We hear a lot about "facing fears." But what does that mean?
I'm afraid of many, many things. Do I have to face them all at once? Or does it all boil down to accepting that fear is a natural part of life and an emotional state that passes and can be overcome when needed?
Story time!
It was a fall evening. I was sitting in my car outside of a residential treatment house, shaking.
I was shaking so badly that even as my hands were held together in my lap I could still feel the shake. It was growing overwhelming, and bringing tears.
Weeks prior to this, it was a normal night and I walked in the house without a thought. Overall the place had been having some issues since it's recent opening because the girls were still testing staff and limits. There were 5 girls in the house, the max.
The events of the hour that followed are still difficult to recall in order (which makes a lot of sense if you understand how trauma can affect the brain). Essentially the adults in the household lost control of the girls. My presence (and some of my behaviors) had fueled the fire and chaos. The result was an experience I'll never forget. It's a reminder of what could happen if anyone underestimates the level to which the children have been hurt and how easily they can be triggered.
What I do remember clearly is what I did after.
I was in a back office, listening to the banging, cursing and threats just outside the door. There was no easy access to the car to flee, so I had to go through the house.
I breathed. Sat with eyes closed, taking deep breaths until there were no more sounds outside the door.
So I made a plan. I'd walk out of the office calmly, address the staff that the girls weren't in a place to have group and we'd try again next week.
Then I would get the fuck out of there.
I repeated it over and over again until I felt calm enough to open the door.
I walked into the common room and was encouraged by the control in my voice as I said the rehearsed line to a staff member and one of the girls sitting on the couch.
Another girl walked into the room, asked what was going on, so I repeated it.
I was shocked when the two girls appeared dismayed by the news and apologized for their behavior as well as their peers' behavior. "It's okay. We'll just try again later."
Two more of the girls came in and the message was relayed to them by staff. All were calm and accepting.
The last girl then came into the room (the one who had been banging the door and threatening my life) and was about to get the same news but interrupted immediately and asked to show everyone her "Avatar Dance." As many times as I continued to explain (so I could get to the "getting the fuck out of there" bit) she insisted until I finally just gave in.
"Okay ****, go ahead."
She then proceeded to perform a brief and completely ridiculous series of contortions that had absolutely no organization whatsoever and left her wriggling on the ground in front of the group.
Everyone burst out laughing.
I left soon after feeling more confused than ever in my professional life. The incident was later processed with supervisors, peers, family and close friends. But it still did not keep me from shaking and dreading that house every session in the weeks to follow.
But on the fall evening, when I could feel myself getting overwhelmed, I breathed. Just like the night it happened. The difference between the two nights though was the ready option of escape. To claim illness and try again later. I didn't have to go through the house to leave, I just had to make up an excuse and put the car in drive. But I made the choice to face it instead and accept the fear as a natural consequence of the experiences and purposefully (but with its due respect) set it aside.
I took a breath, felt scared for another few moments and promised myself I could feel scared again after it was over.
I don't remember what the groups after that were like, but I gave myself permission to be scared several more times before it got easier. After a while I no longer only associated the house with the incident. Now, although the schedule and my groups have changed, the only time I think about the incident is when I choose to think about it. Which of course is much better than having them pop up unbidden at the most inconvenient times.
The point of all this?
Elenor Roosevelt said I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him.
So GREAT!! GREAT NEWS!!
The more I keep poking and prodding this shadow shit the easier it will become?
The more I keep rummaging through and writing down my inner most thoughts, fears, and shaming experiences the more strength and courage I will possess!!
See, again! Our dearest Elenor says so! "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
SO you SEE! The perks are clearly listed!! I shall be STRONG! And CONFIDENT! And WISER because of this pursuit of the shadow! And I'll even take it one step further and BLOG about the process! WHOA! And THEN I'll tell all my friends about the blog so I can't back out and force myself to keep going! Yea, yea, yea- This is Brilliant!! They can help hold me accountable!!
Nah, but really folks... this shit is a piece of cake. We should ALL do it!!
I'll be expecting emails with links to your blogs...
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