Limitations of exploration

So I was searching through the garbage heap that is my desk and ran across some old notes from 2011, when I first started working for my organization.
The client was my first individual and had a hard time in verbal sessions, which is why I took him on. That and he had red hair. And red hair is dead cool.

I loved working with this kid. He was sulky, sarcastic, and much more in tune with the use of symbols than he knew. He was just awesome and reminded me a lot of my brother- which obviously raises a red flag in my profession. It's just something we have to be aware of and watch out for so we don't begin treating our clients like the people in our lives.

But regardless, it reminded me of a piece of artwork I did in response to my responses to him (it's called countertransference... come on guys, everybody knows that!). I have a journal that I use in such cases (and for cases when I just feel like making shit). 

(The small birdlike image to the left of the yellow bird is a reminder of the client who this is about. He used the image in a piece once.)
When she saw this, my supervisor made a comment wondering whether the bird was shitting on the kid. And you know, it probably is. And the kid is accepting it because really- what the fuck else is the kid gonna do?
But that's beside the point.

The real point is that from the time of the bird shitting on the kid image, the journal began to very clearly depict deeply personal and meaningful artwork- then abruptly stops. After the meaningful pictures there are always a few pages of "pretty," "love" and "PEACE" and "Oh look how wonderful and beautiful the world is" (which makes me want to gag myself sometimes) and a marked emphasis on things I can do to make myself feel better or Grounding imagery.
*I should also mention that it wasn't created in a linear fashion. Some days I would skip several pages, then go back, rework or skip ahead more- working on whatever. So to be able to look through the pages and see this kind of pattern is interesting (at least to me).
For example: The pages below mark feelings of being overwhelmed by stress that were made worse by over-analysis. I was basically confusing myself here.

On the following page- the feet of the female image before are placed on a rug, i.e. grounding imagery- helping to reestablish some calm.

This happens over and over throughout the journal. I believe this pattern (of delving down into "shadow" and becoming overwhelmed) to be a necessary aspect of the journey. It serves as a reminder of reality. To accept our limitations as humans and that despite the kind of work we want to do to heal ourselves (which we are sometimes impatient for), we can only go so far before we need to breathe and rest and relax. I used to get extremely upset with myself when this would happen- when I'd break down. But after a while I realized there was no use in getting upset because it's a natural process- a resting place before beginning again. When I accepted that- this whole "delving into the shadow" became much more manageable. At least it has so far. We'll see how long I can keep it up.

And these kind of things shouldn't be a surprise right? I tell my kids to do this all the time! I help them make things to calm themselves and we call them "coping skill boxes" (how's that for creativity...).
However...
It is a very very different process to go through personally. It's like I had to train my brain (am still training my brain). There's a difference between knowing what to do and ACTUALLY KNOWING what to do and HOW to do it. I still need reminding.

I don't think I could continue this blog without understanding this starting and stopping process. Understanding that there will be times of deep confusion and trusting that I can rest when I need to- and after I've rested still having faith that the process will bring me back to where I need to be to continue on the path of self understanding (if THAT makes any sense!).

This blog is just a continuation of the journal- with less imagery and more words.

So here's a recap! In case none of that made any sense (because this probably won't either!!) I start with the kids. I consider their reactions to me. I observe and think about reactions to them. I ponder them. Explore them. Seek out some kind of understanding about how my reactions were influenced by my life and decide whether or not those parts are still serving me and helping me grow into the person I hope to become... If not, I try to sort it out, try to do better.
That's the entire career of a therapist in a paragraph... 

I wonder if the process I just wrote could be likened to me "learning the rules" of the Dark-Side from the Hero's Journey diagram??

WHATEVER, I'm gonna go eat some ice cream! THAT'S what matters right now!!