The gas has it.

I believe I've said this before, and not much has changed since I did.
The only thing that has is the continued support for the idea as far as I am concerned.
The idea I'm talking about?
That change is coming soon. A new creative boom that will change the way in which we function in a global society. Not unlike Renaissance.
And in many ways, it's already happening. 

This article describes it well- Art as Research.

"It is clear that pressing global challenges, such as economic inequality, migration, climate change, aging societies and food security, present problems too difficult for any one discipline to solve. It will take teams of thinkers working across disciplines. And, given the interconnectivity and global scale of these issues, the solutions will have to look and feel completely new. Artists, with their preference for unconventional approaches and unique forms of representation, are adept at this type of daring and creative problem solving. Increasingly welcomed into these conversations, they can help move consciousness forward, as they always have."

This type of inquiry is what we have been taught to follow. Intuitive practices. Trial and error. Searching and seeking answers in unexpected ways.

For example:

I have a group of boys that are notoriously rambunctious. At least in my sessions. They talk and talk and talk and they love sarcasm and sharp remarks. Don't get me wrong, I love it too! But there comes a time when in interferes with our overall goal, which is to explore expressing ourselves using nonverbal means- art.
So one day I talk to my supervisor about it and she suggests doing a 180 and surprising them with whoopie cushions- almost to force them to interact nonverbally.
It worked brilliantly.
They loved it.
Not to mention I surprised the heck out of them by "letting one rip" before they knew what we were doing.
The looks on their faces were priceless!

Quote, "Are you for real? Did that just happen?"

ANYWAY- From them playing around with whoopie cushions (and kazoos) I was able to glean some really great information about the way these kids function in the world- whether it refers to their interactions with others (feeding off of competition) or themselves (excelling at one or two coping mechanisms).

The overall message is clear.
If you seek an answer, you can find it.
Especially if you are willing to look in unexpected places.

Like the space between a couch cushion and some pants.
Let the research continue.

The yoga say WHAT?!

As a gift to myself I have begun to attend yoga classes again.
This is not the first time I began yoga during this time of year and it may be because during these months it can be more difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Winter has a profound effect on many people, and maybe just that little bit of mindful breathing and positive calming can make all the difference.

This image depicts a tree pose in yoga.
Its therapeutic application may help with sciatica- which is a collection of symptoms involving the compression/irritation of the sciatic nerve in the lower back.
According to WebMD specific symptoms include:

• Pain in the rear or leg that is worse when sitting
• Burning or tingling down the leg
• Weakness, numbness, or difficulty moving the leg or foot
• A constant pain on one side of the rear
• A shooting pain that makes it difficult to stand up

Now... with this being said, I am not claiming to have sciatica. What I will say is that I have been experiencing an increased amount of lower back pain for many months and also experience tingling sensations down my legs and others areas more frequently.

Since performing yoga more frequently, I've felt some of that pain decrease.
The tree pose in particular seemed to be the most comfortable although it requires much concentration and balance to perform.

Also, the more I attend these classes the more I learn that as a child I would often contort my body into these positions for fun, the tree pose being one of them.

The shoulder stand, another.
So in some ways it feels like I am taking a step back into the carefree playfulness of my younger years.

Now, yoga may not be for everyone.
Sometimes I even find myself questioning "They want me to do WHAT?"
But that's also very normal.
We don't live in a society that typically understands or values these concepts of body and mind.
That's what exploration is all about though...
...Finding what works for you.

And so... apparently both of these positions I have spoken about have been incorporated into the regime of the ever elusive Boba Fett.

I will be mastering all of these...to become an assassin of back pain and the stress of life.

OH- you were wondering what the whole gang would look like doing yoga poses?!?
Well say no more, here you are my friends... Enjoy!

January kinda sucks so far.

It appears that the New Year has alternative plans for me at the moment.

My grandfather passed away last week.
This week, I hit a pedestrian while making a right hand turn.

Now... both of these sentences sound much worse than I believe the reality. However, without the whole story a person is left to their own devices to assume whatever they'd like.

A grandparent passing can be a very difficult time, especially if it is unexpected- which this was.
He had a major heart attack and was not found by his wife until the next day...
He was a practical man. Showed care as much as he could for living so far away from his family.
He also did not want any services or flowers- so in mourning I lit candles and spoke to other family members about his passing. After the weekend there was some peace with the situation, which I believe is the way he would have wanted it.

Last night while coming home from work I was stopped at a red light and was looking at oncoming traffic, waiting to turn right. There was a jogger who had stopped before the crosswalk and when I had stepped on the gas to go, a man was walking in the crosswalk from the other direction and was in front of my car. I immediately stepped on the gas and it had appeared that I had startled him. I saw his arms raise and he slid down the bumper of my car and remained there. The jogger had come over and stated the he believed I must have knocked the wind out of him and that it looked like he would be fine. The man had a cell phone in his hand and a lit cigarette and when I couldn't figure out how to use his phone to call 911- he called.
I tried to help him up but he complained of his elbow hurting. After attempting to help him many times, and others attempting to help him up he remained stationary, saying he would prefer not to move. While waiting for the police and ambulance he made several statements like "I feel dizzy." "My neck hurts." "My back is tingling." "My leg hurts."
When the police arrived he said the same things to them, that he did not want to move until the ambulance got there... and he asked them for a light for his cigarette that had gone out in the meantime. The EMTs came on the scene and tried to help him up, but the man maintained that his neck hurt. So they placed a neck brace on him and asked if he thought he needed a stretcher. The man said yes.
Now... it is not my place to judge whether this man did or did not feel pain or have injuries. He was escorted to a nearby hospital. There was no damage to my vehicle and I was not issued a citation. The jogger, the police, and the EMTs all expressed doubts as to the severity of the accident.

... I'll be contacted by an insurance adjuster within the next 1-2 days. 

Apparently this happens more often than not.

Guess I'll be waiting and hope for the best.

Hoped.

2013 had many surprises- like every year.

It was another transitional year and I am thankful to see it to its conclusion (most likely, hah!)

I am also hopeful that the next year will hold many more surprises and good fortune.
Which makes me wonder... is there anyone who doesn't? Hope for future good fortune?
I think there are unfortunately.
People who don't feel hope for much of anything...
And for them I hope they may find some.
For others... I'll help them find some.
And the more time I spend as an art therapist the more I realize that the installation of hope and possibility is my job.
And I love that.

And in order to continue to do my job I must maintain a reservoir of hope.
For myself and others.

I don't know if its something anyone can do for their entire life... maybe?
I can hope? 

The thing is, hope can seem so fragile. So abstract.
So temporary.
It's an emotion after all.
And just like all emotions, for good or bad, it's fleeting. 

And in the spirit of the initial purpose of this blog- could it be that to be hopeful you must also submit to the idea that you may be hopeless?
That the work I am trying to do is essentially impossible? Without hope?
Yes...

There are many times that I am reminded of a quote.
It's actually become more of a guideline for my life (at least for the last few years).
I first found it in a mandatory class I had to take as an undergrad.
We weren't forced to take philosophy but we were asked to read various stories from the book "The impossible will take a little while."

In it was a quote but Thomas Merton, a Trappist monk. In a letter to his friend he wrote,
"Do not depend on the hope of results... you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself... You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people... In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." -Thomas Merton

 To me, what Merton describes is the acceptance of both hope and hopelessness. When you accept the hopelessness of what you are doing and that it is highly unlikely to change, you begin to see the silver lining within the shadows where hope can survive and focus on that.
Merton determined that this ray can be found within the personal relationships you develop with others. And I believe that to be true as well.

The New Year often sends me thinking in these directions and I am thankful that I feel a secure sense of hope...
... I believe for the first New Years ever.
For the first time that I can remember in my life, I feel a firm foundation that no matter the future or past... 

Everything is going to be okay.

But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

A client of mine asked me Thursday what religion I was.
I knew the answer and I told him I considered myself to be a spiritual person that did not have a particular denomination.
That was what he was looking for and he seemed satisfied with the answer.

However, I kept thinking about the question after I got home... and Friday and now Saturday.

The answer is essentially the same, with one very important caveat.
My religion is art.

And it even sounds a little strange to write it out and say it, but it's very true.

For all of the reasons people seek out religion... I find those answers in art and the creative process.

A once saw a guy named Shaun McNiff speak on searching out the shadow (a talk in Jungian ideas- not unlike the purpose of this blog)... and he said something that caught me off guard.
He said his religion was expressive art and creativity and it sounded really freakin crazy at the time, but also stuck with me.

So when I finally started to delve into the subject more in different ways, the same things kept popping up.
During meditations I would fall into a pattern of quieting the mind and suddenly begin visualizing things that felt authentic and important. And as soon as they came, my eyes would open and that was it. And I'd be damned if I could meditate again after that. All that was left was a compulsion to either write it down or draw it out.
I also began researching the topic. Book after book led to alternative ways to feel connected, find meaning and solutions to problems as well as a sense of inner peace. I read and saw documentaries on being happy- that eventually led to the concept of FLOW.
Flow- is considered to be the trance-like state that occurs when you are absorbed in a process that utilizes both hemispheres of the brain.

Wikipedia's definition-
"Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does."

And the more I search, the more arrows I find pointing toward the same direction.

Art.

Making art.

Looking at it.

Understanding it.

Feeling it.

Talking about it.

Using it.

Learning about it.

Art is my religion.
I find what I need in it.

And its an incredibly powerful and frightening idea.
Because on the same token I feel I have to say... 

No, I'm not crazy.
Society just doesn't know how to handle this shit effectively, so we gotta figure it out for ourselves.

Growing pains

Yea, so you know all that shit I talked about having compassion for everyone and the way to do it is to be vulnerable?

FUCK THIS DUDE!!

UGH!!....

So I go up to the staff member who I had a power struggle with last week (a staff who was dressed down by his supervisor and the clinician and was told that he was wrong and I was right). So I decided to own up to my part of the interaction. I did this assuming he would do what the supervisor told him to do and own up to his part as well.
So here's how it went.
"Mr. X, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Yea."
"I just wanted to apologize and let you know I take responsibility for a lack of communication on Thursday. It would have helped if I had let you know what I was working on with [client] and I'll try to have more of an open dialogue with you about it. Because we're both trying to do the same thing, help the kids with treatment."
"Yea, yea. Yea, okay."

And that's it.
I was furious.
What the fuck about YOU dude?! Do YOU not have any responsibility in this?? SURE! It's cool! I'll just take all the blame shall I? Fucking coward!

And that's kinda where I stayed for a while. Just thinking back and forth about how much of a chicken this guy was.
It's really reinforced also by the selfish and completely mindless things he's done in the past as well.
It's REALLY hard to work with jerks who tear up the artwork of a kid because they got pissed off that the kid wasn't listening to them.
How fucking small must you be?
The kid has AUTISM!! He doesn't know why he does HALF the shit he does to begin with you F-ING IDIOT!!
You really showed that kid who was boss!! I bet he'll listen next time!! Oh wait, it looked like it didn't change anything- he's still not listening when you tell him to sit down. What do you know?!


Anyway... yes I have an issue with these types of people...
But what kills me is the idea that I took a risk and was vulnerable and ... this guy didn't even invalidate me. He just didn't do what I did.
He couldn't take responsibility for his part in the failure to provide this kid with treatment.
And I think overall, that's the kicker, for me.
I can't expect other people to do that.
Everyone is doing what they're doing.
I really can't hold his guy to the same standards I hold myself to.
I can't do that to anyone.
In some respects I should be glad he wasn't cruel and rubbed my apology in my face because there are plenty of people who would have done that and worse.

This taking the next step towards compassion is going to take some work...

Fucking A is it going to take some work...
And I really have to believe that this process is one worth going through.
That the end will justify the means.

If what I read is true, the end more than justifies the means.

Wait, what is the end?
There really isn't an end..
According to other people I'll be living my life in a more fulfilling way, with more control over my emotions and will create more love in my life... more connection...
I could be the change I want to see in the world?

Even if this doesn't happen...
I think the pursuit of this is noble.
And the potential of this to happen may be worth it trying for regardless. 

I was angry... now I don't think I am anymore.
It's a start. 

A path from doubt.

The more often I allow myself to do/read/view the things I find interesting for no other purpose than to do it, the more often I find connections that I believe help lead down the path to living a fulfilled and wholehearted life.

It's almost like I'm being drawn to the things I need. Kinda like what Carl Rogers believed. (i.e. that every organism innately knows what they need).

For instance, I read saw a TEDx talk by a social worker named Brene Brown. She's a phenomenological researcher that studies what some consider the "master emotion": shame.
I found the talk interesting. A lot of it discussed vulnerability and how being vulnerable is the only way we can open up enough to truly allow love, caring, and belonging into our lives. However, fear and shame and the stories we tell ourselves often keep our most authentic selves hidden.

In many ways I feel that these concepts are vitally connected to my journey "into the dark side."

So while out on a date with my significant other at the book store (that we inevitably end up at when left to our own devices at 9pm), I picked up "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.

Initially I was reluctant to buy it. The subtitle was "Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Your guide to a wholehearted life."
And to be honest my brain immediately shouted, "LAAAAAAAAAAME!"
Then I read the back and it had the typical praises from other authors she knows AND who have the most influential resumes and it shouted, "STILL LAME!!"
I read her biography blurb... "UGH! Who cares?! This is all the same stuff and its not even the most impressive one!"

But I couldn't put it down.
I kept trying to convince myself that I didn't need the book and it very likely would end up in the same pile of self-help books I begin to read then discard after a boring chapter or two.
But I still didn't.
And I held on to it long enough that when it was time to go I handed it over to be purchased.

And the next morning I began reading.
Not a fan of her writing style....
She keeps using the same words....
That's a good quote... *grabs a pen*
Yea, I can see that. I agree...
Intro- "The Journey... It is a process... How do we cultivate what we need and let go of the things that are holding us back?"
"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
Infinite power is a little dramatic but yes... I agree.

I just find myself continuing to read and agreeing with more and more of her ideas.
Then I read and begin to understand and recognize more things I've thought of but that are written so clearly, like, "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity."

Now- Let me go on a tangent if I may- 
This idea has been becoming more and more important to me as I work with a client who has been all but diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder.
Now.. if you are a mental health professional you understand how difficult it can be to work with one of these patients.
They can be extremely needy, manipulative,and volatile to say the least.
Finding compassion for them can be exceedingly difficult- which also happens to be what they need most in the world. BUT when you find compassion and offer it to them, they become frightened and shove it back in your face, which makes it that much more difficult to find it the next time, etc. etc.
Nothing is ever enough for a Borderline. They can seem like a black hole that will never be filled no matter how much love and care you pour into them.
Draining.
Highly provocative.
They notoriously have both severe boundaries for themselves and yet challenge the boundaries of others constantly.
They draw you in, then spit you out. 
It's an endless, exhaustive cycle.

 *In case you can't read it, the front of the shirt says "Ask me about Borderline Personality Disorder." 

However, in the next paragraph of Brown's book she writes that in her quest to understand compassion she's learned that "Compassionate people are boundaried people."
"The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it's difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior."

DING DING DING DING!!

This is why I don't feel drained by my Borderline patient! At first I thought I was just being sucked in hardcore because I wasn't losing compassion for the kid. If anything I was feeling more compassion for him because of how fragile his ego is and how I keep witnessing the drained responses of my co-workers just keep getting them pulled deeper and deeper into the spiral suck of the black hole. However, I am CONSTANTLY reinforcing boundaries with this kid- but not in a demeaning way. Just with certainty they he will keep doing what Borderlines do and I can have an endless store of compassion as long as I maintain my own safe boundaries. The kid might actually begin to feel some kind of safety when they see I'm still not swayed regardless of the stunts being pulled (because they WILL be pulled). Allegations against staff will likely be the next trick to keep people from getting too close but even if they're against me, I have nothing to hide.

But, going back to what I was saying about compassion- 
Problem- My clients are not listening or respecting me?
Problem- Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group?
Problem- Total lack of compassion, I'm pissed! Fuck them! What the hell is their problem? I'm working my ass off to try to help these kids and I feel completely unsupported and drained!

Okay well... are you holding them accountable? Do they know what you expect of them and do they know the consequences of their actions? Yes? Are you enforcing the consequences?

My clients are not listening or respecting me? Hold them accountable for their actions by sticking to the group rules- three strikes, you're out. No big deal, just try again next week. Reinforce that it is only their behaviors that are unacceptable and not THEM as a person.

Staff isn't listening or doing what you want in group? Talk to them- tell them you're having a hard time and let them know ways they can help you. They're trying to help the kids out too right? Get them on your team. If they STILL don't, that's another matter.

Brown's point? What is one of the biggest reasons why we don't just hold others accountable in the first place?
We're afraid of seeming out of control and/or admit that we need help?
Why?
Because that may mean we don't know what we're doing, and if people think we're frauds, they will shun us.
And being shunned by others reaffirms shame (that everyone feels) about being unworthy of other people's respect, love and acceptance.
And if we believe we are undeserving of love and respect than we may accept their lack thereof and poor treatment as par for the course... "just one more example of why I suck."

Essentially we allow them to step on us because in the deepest parts of our hearts- we think we deserve it.

It's not a new concept- but like I mentioned at the beginning of this post...
I think this might have been what I needed to hear at this point in time.
Essentially, I became aware of it because it's what I need to move forward right now with this journey.

I haven't thought too much about "shame" and the things I fear. According to Brown the more you talk about it, the less of a hold it has over you. The more honest and authentic you are about facing it, the more you can connect with others and feel more of a sense of belonging.
I've found this to be true in the past.
Being afraid of the repercussions, but hearing my voice shake as I say what I believe to be true and my authentic self has always been the best way through the fear.
I inevitably feel validated, secure and confident in my decision to plow through.
Which gives me more courage to speak up the next time.

SO.... all of this basically boils down to one thing.
This feels good... and right... so I think I'll keep going down this path for a while...

And see where it leads.

Glad I didn't listen to the LAME voice!